Madam Baby :-p

NEW YEAR

The dawn of a new morning, of a new year, marks the end of my memoirs. The end of all emotional turmoil that I have experienced. The start of new happy memories. Only now did I realize the reason why things happened when no one has ever thought of making it happen. Closure. Thank you Lord. 

WALA

Wala. 

Wala.

Wala.

Wala. 

Walaaaaa akong maisulaaat. :(

Memoirs 2.2

"Tonight I'm gonna break away... Just you wait and see..."

I sang that on the videoke last night. Crazy Love. Got me singing it today, the whole day. Pssshh.

So anyway, how are we? How are you? How am I? I'm okay. Like, okay lang. I'm back to my world and life is stable again.

I had a full blast of activities lined-up when I got home. Christmas parties here and there, family day of my daughter at school, last minute gift shoppings, night-outs with old friends, late night escapades and massages at the spa, plus I have gotten addicted to this coloring book thingy. Whew. 

Christmas is only 4 nights away! Yay! :) I have failed to complete the 9 days of the Simbang Gabi but I'll make sure to celebrate this year's Christmas and New Year with a bang! How? Secretuuuu. 

My mom surprisingly asked for my opinion if I wanted to celebrate Christmas in Manila instead of here because of the weather conditions. No thanks, Mom. I'm very well okay with my comfort zone. :) 

So there, no new updates of my life. Nothing very monumental happened. Oh I have a handsome suitor by the way, who keeps asking me out on a jam (not date). I just couldn't find the time. But I will soon Ginoong Naga 2015. Very soon :)

I guess that's it. No more mentions of people who don't care. No more drama. 

Hey Ysh,

Merry Christmas! Love yourself more. 

~Y

12.19.15

My Chinita

Memoirs 2.1 THOUGHTS

"I thought everything would change,

I thought every feeling would fade away.

But you made every doubt dissolve,

I felt helpless, I wanted to stay."

So I met a guy. 

He was instanly special. He was spontaneous. He was everything I thought he should be. 

We walked. We talked. We laughed. We cried. He sang. I laughed. He acted. I laughed still. He became serious. I became quiet. He held me.... I burned. 

I call him Ton. He made me a very happy girl, one very random night. I am one of those people who hates waiting and it instantly ruins all the good in me whenever someone keeps me waiting for more than an hour. But just one hug from him made all the bones of my body cling to each other. Damn it. 

I have really thought of the worst ways possible of how he would reject and despise me. But we talked.. And we walked.. I didn't mind walking, he did. But he continued following me. Honestly, even I didn't know where we would go. Until we walked past the most beautiful "tunnel" (his words, not mine) and I was instantly mesmerized. I couldn't take my eyes off the thousands of lights above my head, and just the perfect moment happened when I turned my head around and there he was, walking towards me, smiling... In slow motion. Time seemed to have stopped. My heart stopped beating there for a minute. 

We talked some more. His chin was on his forearms as we look past the people in the park. I couldn't help but stare. I wanted so much to touch his face, to feel the contours of his jaw, to trace my fingers to his nose, to feel his hair... To feel his lips. I was memorizing his face and I guess... I did.

I thought so hard for all the decisions that I made that night. We've known each other for quite a while and really, we've been through a lot as friends. This is different. He is different. 

Now I don't really know what I feel. A jumble of thoughts run through my mind and I'm not myself. I feel happy, yes. I feel scared that he might think less of me because of what I had to do that night. Even I feel less of myself.

But I did it to make him happy. To compensate for something that I thought I couldn't do, but I did anyway. I wanted him to feel that I wanted that day to last a thousand happy memories for as long as forever, that's why I took all the risks, good or not. Because I know, that it is the last, and chances like that might never be given to us again. 

I just wanted him to be happy. 

~Y

12.15.15

Memoirs 2.0 WHY

I feel different. I cannot write down the things that happened. Not that I shouldn't.. But I can't. I just can't. 5 or 10  or who knows how many years from now, I'll read this again and I would know --- yes, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm inside the bus, here in Cubao, enroute to my hometown... And my mind flies to every single detail of everything that happened. All the things that I've done here for the part 5 days. 

I feel what? 

Am I happy? OH GOD YES. 

Am I regretful? .................

There are parts that I deeply regret and my heart feels like being crushed by the gods. But... It was a risk I took that my heart really, really wanted. 

Just like my first memoir... If everything happens for a reason, then there must be even the littlest bit of reason for this. There must be... Or else I'm going to really wallow in the dark again. 

I'm weak. I need to talk. I need to let this out. I need to see reason. I mustn't lose my trust. I must believe. I want to cry... :'(

Shit. 

Hey Ysh,

What have you done? Are you happy? What do you feel? 

What do you feel?

~Y

12.13.15

Happy Memory

Memoirs 1.9 THANK YOU

4 AM. 

I struggle to find the right words to say.. Err.. Type. As days pass, I feel obligated to fill-in details of my life into this blog but I'm just as blank as the night sky. 

But maybe this one may suffice.

I am in the final stages of martyrdom. Haha. I feel like I'm unconsciously put into a test where I have to weigh how much I can take about what is happening at hand. Do you get me? No. I guess not. 

The mere two months will forever be embedded in my heart. This was what made me really strong, emotion-wise. I guess I have to thank them, him, most especially. Thank you. 

No, this isn't a goodbye blog post. Don't get ahead of yourself. 

God has given me people who really helped me cope. The Mansyon peeps. They're a diverse group with such essense that I realy feel really happy to have come back to them. They're currently my "happy pill", though we lose storylines and we really don't know how to carry on with the #mansyonserye story without a script, we have our own universe that makes it okay to lose transitions or what not. We are happy and these people are genuinely true to me. :) Thank you. 

As I write this, I'm looking at you. This wide map of the metro in-front of me makes me think of a song...

"Where is he? Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy.."

But no. I don't wanna see you. I only wanna hear you. 

Hey Ysh,

... Matulog ka na. 

~Y

12.10.15

NIGHT WITH THE FROG

Last night with Jez at Mexita. My usual ka-chismisan sa buhay buhay. Happy! #palaka

GRABE SYA :(

Tindi magpa-miss. Nakakainis! 😒

ALBAY PRIDE

Maharang. Maisog. Matinios. Mapagpadaba. Magayon. URAGON. 

That's US ;-)

~Y

12.2.15

Memoirs 1.8 MOVED-ON

They say that moving-on takes a lot of courage and emotions and it might seem forever, but eventually, you'll get there. 

I've moved on. YES.I.DID

Life and fate must've twisted my already complicated situation because now it's brighter, it's lighter, I'm happier. I'm not even bragging. 

I'm not in-denial either. I am okay. :)

So, let's start over shall we? Hi I'm Ysh, I'm 29, I'm single but I'm a package-deal with a rowdy little girl. Take me, or leave me. Well, unless you are that special where I let you take my heart regardless of whatever ;-)

Hmm.. Whatever :)

There you go, take a deep breath. Smile. Look up, look for the stars, better yet, look for the moon and close your eyes. 

Ya hear that? MEH! (Yaya Dub tone) Hahaha! 

I wish you're smiling for me, as you read this. I hope that as you follow the trail of memoirs that I've written down here, you'll feel it in your heart that I'm not that girl who crept in the dark with her broken heart anymore. I hope you can feel that I'm okay. I wish that you're okay too. 

There's 2 songs that have been playing in my mind non-stop this late afternoon...

"Baby it's you!

You're the one I love!

You're the one I need!

You're the only one I see.

Come on baby it's you..."

Wala lang, nakaka-goodvibes po kase :)

Hey Ysh, 

Tigilan mo na, malapit ka na ma-LSS...

"I just called to say I love you

I just called to say how much I care

I just called to say I love you

And I mean it from the bottom of my heart..."

~Y

12.1.15

Memoirs 1.7 NO WORRIES

"Don't worry about a thing, coz every little thing is gonna be alright... Don't you worry"

Was it my imagination? 

Or was I really okay with everything now? Ow yes! I'm good. I keep reminding myself of the things that I should be minding, I sometimes go out of track but at least I'm getting there.

First, I have been utterly honest with myself *bow*. Second, I finally had the nerve to be totally honest with him *hawi ng hair sa tenga* Hahaha! Third, I feel like my heart is regaining its normal state *woohooo!*

I feel great. I know deep in my heart that he still cares and I'm okay with that. My hunch tells me that he still of think of me and somehow, there are times when he still smiles whenever I pop into his head. Ugh, yeah I'm imagining again. Haha.. I am proud and I am honest, I love the pain-in-my-neck guy and I will keep writing about it until I don't feel like saying it anymore because it has faded. It will fade eventually... Not that I'm looking forward to it, because if then I'm gonna miss him and that's not moving-on. Oh no I'm blabbing again, am I not? Yeah I am. Whew..

It's movie night.. Might as well take my mind off things/him and enjoy Damon Salvatore :)

Hey Ysh,

"What do you get when you give your heart? You get it all broken up and battered. That's what you get, a heart that's shattered, so don't ever fall inlove again"

Joke lang ;)

~Y

11.29.15

SIDE TRACKED

Sabi nya, ang puti ko sa DP ko. E di wow. Sabi ko, sya nga nuknukan ng itim sa DP nya. Hahaha! Made me laugh. 

Now at Padrino's with Jez and Bon.. My confidantes. I'm laughing so hard, sobra mambasag, I just hope nothing negative follows. Ganun naman diba? Pag sobrang saya mo daw, luha ang susunod. Wag na please...

Now singing: Coz I, I've fallen in-love with you, no matter what happens I'm never gonna stop falling in-love with you...

Lakas maka ALDUB 😂

~Y

11.28.15

MAHAL

Sa isang laro ng tadhana, nakilala ka,

Tila isang regalo, ako ay nagtaka. 

Ngunit ang puso ay iyong pinasaya,

Bawat pintig nito'y tinatawag ka.

Isang buwan ng ligayang walang pagsidlan,

Ang mundo kong madilim ay muling nailawan. 

Ngiti sa mga labi hindi maiwasan,

Patawarin ako't minahal ka ng lubusan.

Mali at hindi tama, isip ko'y sumisigaw,

Sa bawat minuto, oras at araw. 

Puso may tunay, isip ko ay umaayaw,

Alam kong kasalanan ang hindi pagbitaw. 

Ngunit sabi mo wag ako mangamba,

Dahil sa kabila ng lahat, totoo ang pagsinta.

Sa layo ng agwat, ako'y di nagpaalintana,

Sinuong ang konsensya basta't maging masaya. 

Natapos ang isang buwan ng hindi inaasahan,

Ang aking mga palad agad mong binitawan,

Ang sakit na dinulot hindi makakalimutan,

Ang mga luha ang saksi ng kinahinatnan. 

Isang buwan ng saya, isang buwan ng pagdurusa,

Ngayon ay isa na namang buwan ngunit ako ay manhid na. 

Totoong ang puso ay tumitibok pa,

Minahal kang tunay, ngunit siguro ay tama na.

Lagi mong tandaan na ako'y masaya,

Kung saan mo mahahanap ang iyong ligaya.

Ako ay bibitaw dahil hindi na kaya,

Ang puso ko ay sadyang pagod na. 

Habangbuhay iisipin ka,

Dumating man ang panahon na ako'y matanda na. 

Mahal kita at yan ay hindi magbabago pa,

Saksi ang buwan na ikaw at ako'y minsang pinaglaruan ng tadhana.

~Y

11.27.15

Memoirs 1.6 PROMISES

Last month, October 26, 2015. I was here.... I was happily humming and my joy was just uncontainable. The full moon shone like all the light was for me.. For us. 

It was the eve of a special day.

Now... I'm here again. Exactly where I sat, with the same friend that I was with.. And the full moon slaps me with the pain of the memories of everything.

Tonight is again the eve of a special day. 

At least for me, it still is. 

If anyone asks me how I am at this very moment, i'd probably just bat an eyelash, flash a grim smile and breathe deep. I'm stronger now. He continuously stabs me over and over and over again.. I'm numb but still tender to the core. Why? I don't know. One day I decided that i've moved on, before I knew it, they slap me in the face with yet another reason to bleed. 

They keep opening my wounded heart, over and over and over. 

This time? It's a weak spot. Maria Clara--- the "ME" Maria Clara. Killing her was one thing that made a part of my heart die. But, reviving her into another person? I think my heart just died again. 

I try my very best to understand given the reasons he's laid. I'm hurt. Lahat na lang binawi saakin...

Lakambini was formed FOR ME, he said. Maria Clara was ME, he said. CJ loves me, he said. All that he said, I embraced with all of me. Only to be taken away from my grip with my tears. 

Dear heart,

What do I do? Stop na. Please? :'( One month has passed, the same amount of time when I fell in love without reservations. A month of wallowing into heartaches and tears is enough. Tama na... Mukha ka nang tanga. 

Kanta ka na lang...

"Don't speak, I know what you're thinking and I don't need your reasons.. Don't tell me CAUSE IT HURTS"

~Y

11.26.15

DIVERSION

So I finally started this semester's practice teaching. Was assigned at Bicol College Elementary School and good lord I was picked up for the grade 1 class! I was immediately drained. Haha.

In a way, I felt relieved and thankful that finally I have something to take my mind off "things". I will just enjoy the kids. 

Memoirs 1.5 WOULD YOU?

So I heard this song.. The writer came back. Haha. This just freaking fits

"If I got locked away and we lost it all today, tell me honestly would you still love me the same?"

He called. God knows how I tried to resist the heavy feeling of missing him. Yes, it's different now. It's never ever gonna be the same. 

I'm fine now. I'm okay with life and everything that's happened however complicated it had gotten. But I can't just shake him off. I just miss talking to him. Maybe I just miss his way of upping my mood, all the time. Is it possible? To continuously love someone without hopes of living the future days with him? I guess the answer is YES. 

If I loved you then, why wouldn't I love you now?

Hey you,

I love you. If it hurt me before, it's only because it's real. I love you... For always. 

But I need to know...

"If I show you my flaws, If I couldn't be strong, tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?"

~Y

11.21.15

BLOCKED

Haaay. Once again.. The writer in me flew to another dimension. 

Wala na kasi inspirasyon. 

Nga-nga.