WALA

Wala. 

Wala.

Wala.

Wala. 

Walaaaaa akong maisulaaat. :(

Memoirs 2.2

"Tonight I'm gonna break away... Just you wait and see..."

I sang that on the videoke last night. Crazy Love. Got me singing it today, the whole day. Pssshh.

So anyway, how are we? How are you? How am I? I'm okay. Like, okay lang. I'm back to my world and life is stable again.

I had a full blast of activities lined-up when I got home. Christmas parties here and there, family day of my daughter at school, last minute gift shoppings, night-outs with old friends, late night escapades and massages at the spa, plus I have gotten addicted to this coloring book thingy. Whew. 

Christmas is only 4 nights away! Yay! :) I have failed to complete the 9 days of the Simbang Gabi but I'll make sure to celebrate this year's Christmas and New Year with a bang! How? Secretuuuu. 

My mom surprisingly asked for my opinion if I wanted to celebrate Christmas in Manila instead of here because of the weather conditions. No thanks, Mom. I'm very well okay with my comfort zone. :) 

So there, no new updates of my life. Nothing very monumental happened. Oh I have a handsome suitor by the way, who keeps asking me out on a jam (not date). I just couldn't find the time. But I will soon Ginoong Naga 2015. Very soon :)

I guess that's it. No more mentions of people who don't care. No more drama. 

Hey Ysh,

Merry Christmas! Love yourself more. 

~Y

12.19.15

My Chinita

Memoirs 2.1 THOUGHTS

"I thought everything would change,

I thought every feeling would fade away.

But you made every doubt dissolve,

I felt helpless, I wanted to stay."

So I met a guy. 

He was instanly special. He was spontaneous. He was everything I thought he should be. 

We walked. We talked. We laughed. We cried. He sang. I laughed. He acted. I laughed still. He became serious. I became quiet. He held me.... I burned. 

I call him Ton. He made me a very happy girl, one very random night. I am one of those people who hates waiting and it instantly ruins all the good in me whenever someone keeps me waiting for more than an hour. But just one hug from him made all the bones of my body cling to each other. Damn it. 

I have really thought of the worst ways possible of how he would reject and despise me. But we talked.. And we walked.. I didn't mind walking, he did. But he continued following me. Honestly, even I didn't know where we would go. Until we walked past the most beautiful "tunnel" (his words, not mine) and I was instantly mesmerized. I couldn't take my eyes off the thousands of lights above my head, and just the perfect moment happened when I turned my head around and there he was, walking towards me, smiling... In slow motion. Time seemed to have stopped. My heart stopped beating there for a minute. 

We talked some more. His chin was on his forearms as we look past the people in the park. I couldn't help but stare. I wanted so much to touch his face, to feel the contours of his jaw, to trace my fingers to his nose, to feel his hair... To feel his lips. I was memorizing his face and I guess... I did.

I thought so hard for all the decisions that I made that night. We've known each other for quite a while and really, we've been through a lot as friends. This is different. He is different. 

Now I don't really know what I feel. A jumble of thoughts run through my mind and I'm not myself. I feel happy, yes. I feel scared that he might think less of me because of what I had to do that night. Even I feel less of myself.

But I did it to make him happy. To compensate for something that I thought I couldn't do, but I did anyway. I wanted him to feel that I wanted that day to last a thousand happy memories for as long as forever, that's why I took all the risks, good or not. Because I know, that it is the last, and chances like that might never be given to us again. 

I just wanted him to be happy. 

~Y

12.15.15

Memoirs 2.0 WHY

I feel different. I cannot write down the things that happened. Not that I shouldn't.. But I can't. I just can't. 5 or 10  or who knows how many years from now, I'll read this again and I would know --- yes, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm inside the bus, here in Cubao, enroute to my hometown... And my mind flies to every single detail of everything that happened. All the things that I've done here for the part 5 days. 

I feel what? 

Am I happy? OH GOD YES. 

Am I regretful? .................

There are parts that I deeply regret and my heart feels like being crushed by the gods. But... It was a risk I took that my heart really, really wanted. 

Just like my first memoir... If everything happens for a reason, then there must be even the littlest bit of reason for this. There must be... Or else I'm going to really wallow in the dark again. 

I'm weak. I need to talk. I need to let this out. I need to see reason. I mustn't lose my trust. I must believe. I want to cry... :'(

Shit. 

Hey Ysh,

What have you done? Are you happy? What do you feel? 

What do you feel?

~Y

12.13.15

Happy Memory

Memoirs 1.9 THANK YOU

4 AM. 

I struggle to find the right words to say.. Err.. Type. As days pass, I feel obligated to fill-in details of my life into this blog but I'm just as blank as the night sky. 

But maybe this one may suffice.

I am in the final stages of martyrdom. Haha. I feel like I'm unconsciously put into a test where I have to weigh how much I can take about what is happening at hand. Do you get me? No. I guess not. 

The mere two months will forever be embedded in my heart. This was what made me really strong, emotion-wise. I guess I have to thank them, him, most especially. Thank you. 

No, this isn't a goodbye blog post. Don't get ahead of yourself. 

God has given me people who really helped me cope. The Mansyon peeps. They're a diverse group with such essense that I realy feel really happy to have come back to them. They're currently my "happy pill", though we lose storylines and we really don't know how to carry on with the #mansyonserye story without a script, we have our own universe that makes it okay to lose transitions or what not. We are happy and these people are genuinely true to me. :) Thank you. 

As I write this, I'm looking at you. This wide map of the metro in-front of me makes me think of a song...

"Where is he? Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy.."

But no. I don't wanna see you. I only wanna hear you. 

Hey Ysh,

... Matulog ka na. 

~Y

12.10.15

NIGHT WITH THE FROG

Last night with Jez at Mexita. My usual ka-chismisan sa buhay buhay. Happy! #palaka

GRABE SYA :(

Tindi magpa-miss. Nakakainis! 😒

ALBAY PRIDE

Maharang. Maisog. Matinios. Mapagpadaba. Magayon. URAGON. 

That's US ;-)

~Y

12.2.15

Memoirs 1.8 MOVED-ON

They say that moving-on takes a lot of courage and emotions and it might seem forever, but eventually, you'll get there. 

I've moved on. YES.I.DID

Life and fate must've twisted my already complicated situation because now it's brighter, it's lighter, I'm happier. I'm not even bragging. 

I'm not in-denial either. I am okay. :)

So, let's start over shall we? Hi I'm Ysh, I'm 29, I'm single but I'm a package-deal with a rowdy little girl. Take me, or leave me. Well, unless you are that special where I let you take my heart regardless of whatever ;-)

Hmm.. Whatever :)

There you go, take a deep breath. Smile. Look up, look for the stars, better yet, look for the moon and close your eyes. 

Ya hear that? MEH! (Yaya Dub tone) Hahaha! 

I wish you're smiling for me, as you read this. I hope that as you follow the trail of memoirs that I've written down here, you'll feel it in your heart that I'm not that girl who crept in the dark with her broken heart anymore. I hope you can feel that I'm okay. I wish that you're okay too. 

There's 2 songs that have been playing in my mind non-stop this late afternoon...

"Baby it's you!

You're the one I love!

You're the one I need!

You're the only one I see.

Come on baby it's you..."

Wala lang, nakaka-goodvibes po kase :)

Hey Ysh, 

Tigilan mo na, malapit ka na ma-LSS...

"I just called to say I love you

I just called to say how much I care

I just called to say I love you

And I mean it from the bottom of my heart..."

~Y

12.1.15

Memoirs 1.7 NO WORRIES

"Don't worry about a thing, coz every little thing is gonna be alright... Don't you worry"

Was it my imagination? 

Or was I really okay with everything now? Ow yes! I'm good. I keep reminding myself of the things that I should be minding, I sometimes go out of track but at least I'm getting there.

First, I have been utterly honest with myself *bow*. Second, I finally had the nerve to be totally honest with him *hawi ng hair sa tenga* Hahaha! Third, I feel like my heart is regaining its normal state *woohooo!*

I feel great. I know deep in my heart that he still cares and I'm okay with that. My hunch tells me that he still of think of me and somehow, there are times when he still smiles whenever I pop into his head. Ugh, yeah I'm imagining again. Haha.. I am proud and I am honest, I love the pain-in-my-neck guy and I will keep writing about it until I don't feel like saying it anymore because it has faded. It will fade eventually... Not that I'm looking forward to it, because if then I'm gonna miss him and that's not moving-on. Oh no I'm blabbing again, am I not? Yeah I am. Whew..

It's movie night.. Might as well take my mind off things/him and enjoy Damon Salvatore :)

Hey Ysh,

"What do you get when you give your heart? You get it all broken up and battered. That's what you get, a heart that's shattered, so don't ever fall inlove again"

Joke lang ;)

~Y

11.29.15

SIDE TRACKED

Sabi nya, ang puti ko sa DP ko. E di wow. Sabi ko, sya nga nuknukan ng itim sa DP nya. Hahaha! Made me laugh. 

Now at Padrino's with Jez and Bon.. My confidantes. I'm laughing so hard, sobra mambasag, I just hope nothing negative follows. Ganun naman diba? Pag sobrang saya mo daw, luha ang susunod. Wag na please...

Now singing: Coz I, I've fallen in-love with you, no matter what happens I'm never gonna stop falling in-love with you...

Lakas maka ALDUB 😂

~Y

11.28.15

MAHAL

Sa isang laro ng tadhana, nakilala ka,

Tila isang regalo, ako ay nagtaka. 

Ngunit ang puso ay iyong pinasaya,

Bawat pintig nito'y tinatawag ka.

Isang buwan ng ligayang walang pagsidlan,

Ang mundo kong madilim ay muling nailawan. 

Ngiti sa mga labi hindi maiwasan,

Patawarin ako't minahal ka ng lubusan.

Mali at hindi tama, isip ko'y sumisigaw,

Sa bawat minuto, oras at araw. 

Puso may tunay, isip ko ay umaayaw,

Alam kong kasalanan ang hindi pagbitaw. 

Ngunit sabi mo wag ako mangamba,

Dahil sa kabila ng lahat, totoo ang pagsinta.

Sa layo ng agwat, ako'y di nagpaalintana,

Sinuong ang konsensya basta't maging masaya. 

Natapos ang isang buwan ng hindi inaasahan,

Ang aking mga palad agad mong binitawan,

Ang sakit na dinulot hindi makakalimutan,

Ang mga luha ang saksi ng kinahinatnan. 

Isang buwan ng saya, isang buwan ng pagdurusa,

Ngayon ay isa na namang buwan ngunit ako ay manhid na. 

Totoong ang puso ay tumitibok pa,

Minahal kang tunay, ngunit siguro ay tama na.

Lagi mong tandaan na ako'y masaya,

Kung saan mo mahahanap ang iyong ligaya.

Ako ay bibitaw dahil hindi na kaya,

Ang puso ko ay sadyang pagod na. 

Habangbuhay iisipin ka,

Dumating man ang panahon na ako'y matanda na. 

Mahal kita at yan ay hindi magbabago pa,

Saksi ang buwan na ikaw at ako'y minsang pinaglaruan ng tadhana.

~Y

11.27.15

Memoirs 1.6 PROMISES

Last month, October 26, 2015. I was here.... I was happily humming and my joy was just uncontainable. The full moon shone like all the light was for me.. For us. 

It was the eve of a special day.

Now... I'm here again. Exactly where I sat, with the same friend that I was with.. And the full moon slaps me with the pain of the memories of everything.

Tonight is again the eve of a special day. 

At least for me, it still is. 

If anyone asks me how I am at this very moment, i'd probably just bat an eyelash, flash a grim smile and breathe deep. I'm stronger now. He continuously stabs me over and over and over again.. I'm numb but still tender to the core. Why? I don't know. One day I decided that i've moved on, before I knew it, they slap me in the face with yet another reason to bleed. 

They keep opening my wounded heart, over and over and over. 

This time? It's a weak spot. Maria Clara--- the "ME" Maria Clara. Killing her was one thing that made a part of my heart die. But, reviving her into another person? I think my heart just died again. 

I try my very best to understand given the reasons he's laid. I'm hurt. Lahat na lang binawi saakin...

Lakambini was formed FOR ME, he said. Maria Clara was ME, he said. CJ loves me, he said. All that he said, I embraced with all of me. Only to be taken away from my grip with my tears. 

Dear heart,

What do I do? Stop na. Please? :'( One month has passed, the same amount of time when I fell in love without reservations. A month of wallowing into heartaches and tears is enough. Tama na... Mukha ka nang tanga. 

Kanta ka na lang...

"Don't speak, I know what you're thinking and I don't need your reasons.. Don't tell me CAUSE IT HURTS"

~Y

11.26.15

DIVERSION

So I finally started this semester's practice teaching. Was assigned at Bicol College Elementary School and good lord I was picked up for the grade 1 class! I was immediately drained. Haha.

In a way, I felt relieved and thankful that finally I have something to take my mind off "things". I will just enjoy the kids. 

Memoirs 1.5 WOULD YOU?

So I heard this song.. The writer came back. Haha. This just freaking fits

"If I got locked away and we lost it all today, tell me honestly would you still love me the same?"

He called. God knows how I tried to resist the heavy feeling of missing him. Yes, it's different now. It's never ever gonna be the same. 

I'm fine now. I'm okay with life and everything that's happened however complicated it had gotten. But I can't just shake him off. I just miss talking to him. Maybe I just miss his way of upping my mood, all the time. Is it possible? To continuously love someone without hopes of living the future days with him? I guess the answer is YES. 

If I loved you then, why wouldn't I love you now?

Hey you,

I love you. If it hurt me before, it's only because it's real. I love you... For always. 

But I need to know...

"If I show you my flaws, If I couldn't be strong, tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?"

~Y

11.21.15

BLOCKED

Haaay. Once again.. The writer in me flew to another dimension. 

Wala na kasi inspirasyon. 

Nga-nga. 

IMY

Weary girl. 

REACH

I'm still waiting for the day that you find this.. And you call me to say that you did and that you missed me so much. 

~dreams~

~Y

Mum and Me Day

Sometimes, it's just nice to have a day-off and just shop with my Mom on a Sunday afternoon...

Memoirs 1.4

What do I wish right now? That my fantasies help sustain the reality. 

A world where I can own him. A fantasy where his heart only beats for me. A place where I can freely continue that "whatever" that we had. It is in my head... In my heart. At least there, nobody can take us apart. 

Have I gone mad?

I have come to terms with acceptance. I have shrugged it off my shoulders, the reality that I am nobody to him. It's funny because I easily got my grip when the world shook before my feet the moment he let go. I was okay. 

I wasn't dwelling anymore. I was fine.

I was able to withstand the dramas and if I wasn't going to let fate influence my decisions, I wouldn't let some impulsive love connection online do it either. It was time to put my past where it belonged. In the past.

I'm moving on for myself. But it doesn't mean I don't miss him. I don't hate the guy. For all the right reasons, he's earned a special spot in my life. But then again.. You know the story. It's not all rainbows and butterflies for him and me.

So the fantasies are the only avenue for my heart's rehabilitation. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this alone. I am trying to be stronger. 

Uhh, hey Ysh?

Sing it off!

"Coz you've made me stronger by breaking my heart, you ended ny life and made a better one start. You've taught me everything from falling in-love to letting go of a lie. Yes you've made me stronger, BABY, by saying goodbye."

~Y

11.14.15

PARTING GIFT

For the girls.. 

A forever remembrance that one October day, the 15 of us was fated to become the Lakambinis. 

I will forever miss you. 

L-R bottom: Salome, Coleen, Tel, MC, Batchinatics, Jough

L-R middle: Joey, Mommy Rhee, Zel, Carmi, Phine, Cindy, Patrice

L-R top: Eve, Light

All my love,

Ysh

I WOULD HAVE STAYED UP WITH YOU ALL NIGHT...

POINT. BLANK

THIS BLOG WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 24 HOURS.

NEVER AGAIN TO BE FOUND. 

XoXo,

Ysh

THROWBACK

How I wish bata na lang ako.. So there'd be no heartaches, no dramas, no shits, no problems, and tears are only because of skinned knees and not hearts.

PS. I still miss you Boo, this was our last picture together. 

Memoirs 1.3 INVISIBLE

In my attempt to remember, I’d discovered why some things were convenient to forget. My head was throbbing. But it wasn’t just from lack of hydration, it was also from excessive emotional poking. And the question still remained: had I ruined the very little thread of hope that we have? In more ways than one? And had I shot him with my utmost honesty?

No. F-ing. Way.

Okay, maybe I was obsessing. A little. But it was keeping me from fixating on something I was desperately trying to forget. The evil unwanted exile that they've put me in. It could bite me over and over again and it always did. 

"Pull your head out of your ass and stand out."

Standing out was not a problem. Blending in was the new name of the game, and I was ready to play. I was more than ready but is it my fault if people still regard me as the old character that they loved so much? How can I not be MC? Of course I wanted them to see the real me, but they chose not to. HOW IS IT MY EFFIN FAULT?

Clearly, it was time to come to terms with the fact that what I wanted to happen and what was actually going to happen weren't the same. It felt like everything had changed. But nothing had changed. Except that I finally knew that he's always gonna be out of the door in a flash whenever I throw spite. Like what he did last night. AGAIN. It's as easy as a blink of an eye to UNFOLLOW me. There you go.

---And there's this girl who I couldn't think was capable of deliberately sabotaging whatever connection we still have. But her actions make me really think hard. As much as I wanted to hate on her, I couldn't. The bitch was decent. Maybe even sweet. And it really made me want to kill myself.

Someone once said that it's choice, not chance, that determines our destiny. My head made the choice to end things with him. But my heart...

...my heart was still waiting for the chance that my head might...reconsider.

Did I screw up my destiny? Or was my fate supposed to stink?

He thinks I do. They think I do. Even I think I do. 

I stink. 

Hey Ysh,

Stop thinking. Let yourself live in the moment. Be it a moment with him in it, or not since he fled again (eye roll). Everything will be easy. Everything will be as it was meant to be. Don't stop believing in fairy tales. Don't stop believing in Soulmates. 

~Y

11.12.15

Chasing You

If I lay here.. 

If I just lay here..

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Memoirs 1.2 HATE YA

People have been rocking my boat. But my expectations of complete recovery has blown over JUST. LIKE. THAT. I don't have all the answers. One thing has been for sure from the past weeks. With regard to how I feel? Nothing has changed. I assume that this was supposed to be the calm before the storm. Why was I even expecting a storm? I'm seriously racking up my brains right now. 

*REAL TIME*

I AM SOOOO HATING HIS TIMELINE!!! 😡

So what? Before I rig someone's neck right now I would rather watch a movie and doze off. Turning notifications OFF! Grr. 

I mean, the thing that I have been waiting for happened. It was bittersweet. It was satisfying. It was heartbreaking. But after the goodbyes, I was left smiling like a cheshire cat. Ugh.

What I needed was a push in the right direction. Because I was lost. Was I found? Yeaaaahhhh. 

I cannot focus on writing. Really. My thoughts are scattered. 

I HATE HIS TIMELINE!!!!!!!!!! 😡

Hey you,

NOT FUNNY. ME HATIN HERE. 

~Y

11.10.15

Maiyan's 22nd

Happy Birthday Marrianetot. Haha :) I sure had fun!

Memoirs 1.1 DEAR ME

"Did you forget? That I was even alive, did you regret? Everything we had inside.. Did you forget about me?"

Well well, years ago I was on this phase. I so thought that the girl that I once was, was gone. I was very wrong.. 

Timing is one of the judges of life. Destiny is fatal. I wanted to secure every single decision that I made just so I don't regret anything in the end. I so wanted to make everything right... just so I can say to myself that I made the right thing, and with no regrets I can continue with my life as it is right now.

But when Fate interferes, Timing and Destiny falls out.

I keep hoping for that special person who I consider still as mine, though we or I decided to stay low and part ways I still give a damn about him, but he opts not to care. Okay, I can deal with that, nor if I find out that he's spending time with someone new, I can totally understand.

I just wanted a pleasant closure (Why do I hate that word?)

So, CLOSURE. YES, I GOT IT. He made it seem so easy. Maybe it was really that easy and I was just procrastinating the thought that he will pull the end of the rope that's still tied onto me. But he cut it. So now I'm wandering. Really, how much shit can happen into your life before you even consider you had a truce with the sin-meter already? 

Maybe what really makes me tick is the fact that no one really gives a damn. I wanted to talk, nada. IT WASN'T REAL! I will be forever stuck here and he will be forever tied there! How serious can it get? I hate it that now I'm the one with collapsing, crashing and crumbling hopes which, I rebuild on a daily basis, only to let it slide into a rubble at the end of the day. If you don't get what I'm saying, let me slap it into your face:

I MISS YOU!!!!! You enormously stubborn pain in the ass!!!!! 

Shit happens.

Just like that, 2 memoirs in a row. Jusko. 

~Y

11.05.15

Memoirs 1.0

For a few days now, I was judged, I was left out, I was floating, I was... Drowning.

I couldn't blame him. He was honest. He was bold. My friend's perception of being bold? Sinner. So what the hell do you care? Yeah, I'm done. 

Everything that once was simple, is now complicated. Turns out, I needed to take at least 8 steps to recovery. 

1. Forget everything that happened (yeah, right)

2. Forget him (yeah, right again)

3. Forget missing him (facepalm)

4. Meet new people, and it means one person who listens to my nonsense blabbing because NO ONE ELSE DOES.  (deo deo deo)

5. Stop comparing him to the new people (kill me now)

6. Stop stalking (deactivate now?)

7. UNFOLLOW him (easy...)

8. UNLOVE him (... </3...)

NO BIG right? If only the reality is still separated from this wonderful fantasy that we onced lived. My 8 steps to recovery is easy peasy.. Psshh! I can definitely HEAL like what everyone is telling me to do. *rolling eyes*

If only.... "Bahala na si Batman"

Bahala na din ako..

DARNA!!!!

~Y

11.05.15

GO FOR IT

Memoirs 0.9

I am trying so hard to surpass this phase of emotional roller-coaster ride that I've involved myself into for the past month. 

I cannot thank my twitter friends enough for tirelessly comforting me despite the distance and time differences *shout out to you besh Carmi!* 

I am pretending. I know I say that I'm finally okay but deep in the dark corners of my heart, I hide the tears and the pain. 

I mean, realistically speaking. Nobody moves on in 5 days. 

God I miss him. So much. But I engage myself in different things just so I can forget how wonderful it is to think of him every hour of every day. I need to do this. I need to make this work. 

My tears are dried up and my heart is learning the art of letting go. Eventually everything will be brand new. Soon, I will be free again. 

But this crack, this piece in my broken heart that he took, will never be the same again. Along with it are memories of me and all the colors that I've emitted with him and for him. I know so, he will never ever forget my existence. He will forever miss me just like how I'm missing him right now, it hurts. 

Soon.

"Tuloy parin ang awit ng buhay ko, magbago man ang hugis ng puso mo.."

Goodnight, Ysh. You will be fine.

~Y

11.2.15

THAT STAGE.

Warning sirens blare all over me. This is gonna be FUN. What exactly follows a heartache again??? 

YEAH. 

BURN

"I Burn In Hell Loving You"

LIES. 

Nope. I'm not angry. I'm hurt.

I'm gonna be okay.

...

I hope. 

~Y

10.30.15

27

1 month. Wow.

I do not know who blabbed, but last night, he once again made me giddy all over when he greeted me first! Today is the mark of the first month since we met each other. Though virtually, but his coming into my life has changed me in ways I didn't even think possible. 

---saved as draft---

INSPIRATION CUT SHORT. 

Sorry. I can't. 

Memoirs 0.8

"Kahit sabihin na mali ako, alipin mo o bihag mo ako'y iyong iyo..."

Gusto ko sya. That I'm certain. If seems only yesterday when I was bawling my eyes out because of extreme sadness when he decided to stay out of the limelight, the only avenue where I can reach out to him, and he to me. 

So much has happened. In my entire existence, I have never ever thought that this kind of wonderful would happen to me. Not in my dreams.

He has the ideal mind and heart of what kind of ideal this heart of mine has been longing for. But yeah, distance and fate will always intervene. How ironic. 

But he gave me a gift. A wonderful and amazing gift.. He gave me new friends. He made my days lighter, he makes me burst with laughter, he makes my heart happier. He made it all possible :)

4 weeks. 4 WEEKS! 

Am I dreaming? This smile in my face could only prove that I'm not. 

Hey baby,

I'm hearing this now...

"Ikaw ang tunay na ligaya

Tanging ikaw, sinta
Umaga, hapon kahit magdamag
Laging ikaw, sinta

Hindi magsasawa, sa piling mo..."

I love you.

~Y

10.25.15

Memoirs 0.7

ARE WE GOOD?

"Mirror, mirror on the wall.. Tell me, am I okay?"

So, yeah I was looking at the mirror in my room a while ago, brows furrowed and in deep contemplation. Are we good? Are we okay? How am I? How is he?

There has been changes. I must admit, it was well thought-of, all credits to him. He says it's for me. Am I happy? Yes. 

The other night, I broke down again. It was a mix of exhaustion, lack of sleep, lack of love. I just miss him so much. Yes I do interact with him, all for the love of the people who loves and supports his reputation in the online world. 

I realized, at the end of the day, it's still the real him that I crave and miss. I still can say this, I AM IN-LOVE.

I cannot believe that it's almost a month already. Why does it feel so strange?

Maybe I really found my SOULMATE. 

Hey you,

I'll support everything that will make you happy. 

I'm just here. Always gonna be here.

Everyday I love you...

~Y

10.22.15

Memoirs 0.6

"Where could he be? Will I spend a lifetime searching endlessly, for that someone to hold and call my own, oh where could he be.. Heaven help him find his way to me..." -Donna Cruz

Absence. I'm getting used to it. Sometimes I hate it but now, I just give it a pout and go on with my life. Here. 

I'm certain that he's just gonna be another "passer" in my life. I guess he's just a lift on my chin when God thought that I needed one. Maybe he was planned to just stop-over and then, leave. 

But I'm not a stop-over. I'm a destination. 

Nasasanay na ako na wala ka. Baka kailangan ko na mag-ready talaga. 

Last week was a big blow. I crumbled and I melted and I was rooted to your shadow. I have no regrets. I love you. 

I'm still chasing pavements, your pavements. Sabi nga sa kanta.. "even if it leads nowhere.." But please, if you can't stop for me, at least make the path that I'm running on as smooth as possible. I don't think I need another rock to stumble down on. I'm gonna fall apart again, just like that, and I don't think I'll stand up the same way I did for you. 

Don't let that happen. Please. 

Hey you,

I miss you. I'm still stiff on your grip, only you can make me whole again. 

~Y

10.20.15

GIVE ME A BREAK

I tap my foot to the rhythm of Ed Sheeran's Gold Rush while I stand in the middle of the line with the students of Bicol College, routed to the cashier's window to pay. Finals week. Yey... Duh.

Outside the bars of the school's gate, I see the hustle and the bustle of the people. The pine trees lines up the street sway with the wind. I stare, and I stare, and I stare until stars appear on the corner of my eyes. Oh God, i'm still reeling. 

A tap on my shoulder brings me to earth. 

I see a freshman laughing in front of my face, saying something that I couldn't make up. I tug down one earphone and say "What?"

He looks taken aback. I feel aware of the heads slowly working on my direction, girls. Come on, get a grip. My eyebrows arch. He smiles once again and tilted his head to the left..

"Hi ate Ysh! Kumusta ka naman? Hehehe"

I eyed him. Studying his face. His chinky eyes, rimless eyeglasses, toothy grin, blue jansport backpack, ruffled hair. He looks like Hiro Nakamura of Heroes, really. But I'm not in the mood today, and I don't know his name. 

"GO" was the only word that came out of my mouth right-after. 

He scuttles away. Funny how everyone feels obligated to get my attention whenever they see me at school. Which is rarely, if I may say. The people around me are still staring though, what the hell. I give it a sigh, lean to the post nearest me, plug-in the earphones and put Sway on full volume. 

"Say you'll stay, don't come and go like you do"

I smile. How very fitting for Palits (as what Carmi suggested we call him). Hahaha!

Just like that, my mood changes. I recall our conversation last night. I should give it all up to him, really, the credit and appreciation. Even if he repeatedly makes my heart flop and swing all ways around possible, he's still so very charming. I hate it. No, (rolling eyes), I love it. 

Really, I've been transitioning. From the weeks that passed where I was very clingy and was very used to having him with me in just a click, to now where I cannot seem to connect and get through to him. He's a rare case of complicated. Whenever I try to move on and just give up, he comes rushing back and heaves me back closer to him as ever. I feel like there's this invisible rope that's somehow tied on to me and he's holding the other end. Oh dear. 

Black Magic.. What have you done to me?

Another tap. I spin around, my literary editor saying her assignments are done.

"Good job! Leave it all to my desk sa office, thanks bhe!"

Then came running our Dean, but then she caught a glimpse of me and dramatically halted, stepping backward to where I stood. 

"Ysh! Where have you been? Overtime na tayo next week ha! I need you everyday and night next week after finals. We'll release on the enrollment week!"

I smile widely and give her a quite exaggerated nod. 

"YES, MA'AM!"

Great. Just great. When will I get my rest, God? 

-aliella's halloween costume

-ate dette's headpiece

-julie's invitation

-julie's flowercrown

-julie's bday

-dad's bday

-legazpi fiesta

-publication presswork

-final editing

-printing press visit

-enrollment

-release

-nocturnes

-all souls and saints' day

-zya's bday

Yung totoo? May sembreak ba talaga?

Tsk. 

Gutom na ako :(

~Y

10.19.15

SAPAT NA.

Anong isusulat ko?

...

...

... Wala. Walang salitang gustong kumawala sa puso't isipan ko. Wala. 

Subalit...

Tapos na ang pagdaloy ng luha. Tapos na ang paninikip ng dibdib. Tapos na ang paglalaban ng puso at utak. 

Tapos na nga ba?

Pero... Bakit? Bakit umaasa ka parin?

Nalipasan na ng labis na hinagpis sa maya't mayang pagkawala. Napagod na ang puso sa mga damdamin na hindi kailanman mapapakawalan. 

Napagod... Ngunit patuloy kang umaasa... Isa ka bang tanga?

Ang matutong magmahal ang pinakamakabuluhan sa mundong ito. Ipagmamalaki ko habangbuhay na nagmahal ako... 

Minahal man o hindi, nagmahal ako. Yun lang, sapat na. 

Wala akong masabi. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako sa mundong binuo nating dalawa. Wala akong masabi...

Maghihintay ako? Maaaring oo, maaaring hindi. Wala akong makitang liwanag. Madilim ang tinatahak ng aking puso patungo sayo.. 

Pero, maramdaman lang ang pagmamahal mo, yun lang, sapat na. 

Patuloy kang hahanap-hanapin. Ikaw lang ang hinahanap ng puso ko. Lagi mo sanang iisipin, san man ako mapunta, san man ako dalhin ng tadhana... Minsan sa iyong makulay na buhay, minahal kita ng higit pa sa iyong akala. 

...

... Hindi magbabago. 

~Y

10.18.15

BRAVE

Say what you wanna say...

And let the words fall out...

Honestly...

I wanna see you be BRAVE. 💁🏻

50 Random Questions Tag

Where were you 3 hours ago?- SHOWER
Who are you in love with?- REALLY? YOU WHO MIGHT BE READING THIS
Have you ever eaten a crayon?- UHH, NOPE
Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?- YEP, MY IPAD
When is the last time you went to the mall?- 2 DAYS AGO
Are you wearing socks right now?- NOPE
Does your family have a car worth over $2,000?- YES
When was the last time you drove out of town?- I DROVE? UHH, 7 YEARS AGO
Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?- YES :)
Are you hot?- FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK, I HAVE FEVER RIGHT NOW, SO YEAH
What was the last thing you had to drink?- MULE LAST NIGHT, COFFEE NOW.
What are you wearing right now?- BROWN TOP, BLACK SHORTS
Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?- LET DAD DO IT :p
Last food that you ate?- CHEESY TUNA PASTA THAT I COOKED LAST NIGHT
Where were you last week at this time?- IN MY BED, ROLLING OVER THE FRESH SHEETS (I CHECKED MY PHONE'S PICS, LOL)
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?- YES
When is the last time you ran?- LAST WEEK, JOGGED AT LGP BOULEVARD
What's the last sporting event you watched?- LAST WEEK, GOVERNOR'S CUP
What is your favorite animal?- DOGS
Your dream vacation?- SANTORINI! PARIS! BAHAMAS! MALDIVES! HAWAII!
Last person's house you were in?- NEIGHBOR'S
Worst injury you've ever had? -NONE SO FAR, THANK GOD.
Have you been in love?- YES :)
Do you miss anyone right now?- YES! :(
Last play you saw?- BLOCK B, ANABEL LEE
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?- DOUBLE CHINS AND CHEESY GRINS :p
What are your plans for tonight?- NO IDEA, YET
Who is the last person you sent a FB/Twitter message or comment?- CJ
Next trip you are going to take?- MACAU on May
Ever go to camp?- Nope
Were you an honor roll student in school?- GRADE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL.. COLLEGE? NAH
What do you want to know about the future?- IF I'LL BE HAPPY :')
Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?- UCB Hot/Bench Capture/VS Seduction/Fantasy by Britney/D&G light blue
Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?- NOPE
Where is your best friend?- Grace is in Pampanga, Lala IDK, Miles in Ortigas, Marriane with boyfie, Jez IDK, Janica at training in cebupacific.
How is your best friend?- I THINK THEY'RE ALL GOOD
Do you have a tan?- NOPE
What are you listening to right now?- SEE YOU AGAIN by CHARLIE PUTH
Do you collect anything?- MAKEUP
Who is the biggest gossiper you know?- S & M
Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?- NOPE, GOOD GIRL HERE O:)
Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?- UHH, YES AT FASTFOOD RESTOS
What does your last text message say?- "ALA BEBE PASOK"- MAMI SHIE
Do you like hot sauce?-  YES!
Last time you took a shower?- AN HOUR AGO
Do you need to do laundry?- DONE :)
What is your heritage?- A BIT OF SPANISH, MOSTLY FILIPINO
Are you someone's best friend?- YESSUR!
Are you rich?- NOPE, MY PARENTS ARE.
What were you doing at 12AM last night?- OOHH, WAS SLEEPING ALREADY.

DIVERT-REVERT-FORGET

15 RANDOM QUESTIONS TAG!

The Questions:

#1. What's a nickname only your family calls you? AYZ, ICE/ICY, AYZA
#2. What's a weird habit of yours? I CRACK MY KNUCKLES
#3. Do you have any weird phobias? BATHOPHOBIA
#4. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you're alone? BITCH BY MEREDITH BROOKS
#5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves? PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME WAIT
#6. What's one of your nervous habits? LIP BITING
#7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? RIGHT SIDE
#8. What was your first stuffed animal & it's name? A BEAR WITH HEARTS, THUS, HEARTY.
#9. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at starbucks? CARAMEL FRAPPE
#10. What's the beauty rule you preach.. but never ACTUALLY practice? NEVER SLEEP WITH YOUR MAKEUP ON
#11. Which way do you face in the shower? BACK ON THE SHOWER
#12. Do you have any 'weird' body 'skills'? I CAN WIGGLE MY PINKY TOE, HAHA
#13. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 'bad' but you love to eat it anyways? CHIPS
#14. What's a phrase or exclamation you always say? I KNOW, RIGHT / WHATEVER
#15. Time to sleep- what are you ACTUALLY wearing? OVERSIZED SHIRT, UNDIES OF COURSE.

Memoirs 0.5 [TRUTH]

The truth hurts. Fact.

I feel dozens of emotions right now which, when totaled, submits myself into this blank space of state. I am reeling. 

I cannot, for the love of god, put into detail the turn of events. I never will enclose the truth of the matter, where my morals are once again put to the test. 

I never expected anything like this to go so far up to this point. I only wanna give love and happiness. Not pain or disappointments. 

I have just risen from the pit of heartache. What blows next is even bigger, yet my tears are dried up, my heart has calmed, my body and soul was drained of emotions that might have sufficed the drama of this new revelation. I never want to hurt anyone, my intention is not to cause pain. I just wanted to feel loved, be loved, and love in return. God, this is exhausting. If this is your way of telling me that my happy days with him is over, I would oblige. I'm waiting for the signs that I asked for. 

I'm tired. Just what am I supposed to do?

Hey you,

If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,

  And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,

     Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

       And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street..

So I'm not moving, I'm not moving.

~Y

10-16-15