Memoirs 1.7 NO WORRIES

"Don't worry about a thing, coz every little thing is gonna be alright... Don't you worry"

Was it my imagination? 

Or was I really okay with everything now? Ow yes! I'm good. I keep reminding myself of the things that I should be minding, I sometimes go out of track but at least I'm getting there.

First, I have been utterly honest with myself *bow*. Second, I finally had the nerve to be totally honest with him *hawi ng hair sa tenga* Hahaha! Third, I feel like my heart is regaining its normal state *woohooo!*

I feel great. I know deep in my heart that he still cares and I'm okay with that. My hunch tells me that he still of think of me and somehow, there are times when he still smiles whenever I pop into his head. Ugh, yeah I'm imagining again. Haha.. I am proud and I am honest, I love the pain-in-my-neck guy and I will keep writing about it until I don't feel like saying it anymore because it has faded. It will fade eventually... Not that I'm looking forward to it, because if then I'm gonna miss him and that's not moving-on. Oh no I'm blabbing again, am I not? Yeah I am. Whew..

It's movie night.. Might as well take my mind off things/him and enjoy Damon Salvatore :)

Hey Ysh,

"What do you get when you give your heart? You get it all broken up and battered. That's what you get, a heart that's shattered, so don't ever fall inlove again"

Joke lang ;)

~Y

11.29.15

SIDE TRACKED

Sabi nya, ang puti ko sa DP ko. E di wow. Sabi ko, sya nga nuknukan ng itim sa DP nya. Hahaha! Made me laugh. 

Now at Padrino's with Jez and Bon.. My confidantes. I'm laughing so hard, sobra mambasag, I just hope nothing negative follows. Ganun naman diba? Pag sobrang saya mo daw, luha ang susunod. Wag na please...

Now singing: Coz I, I've fallen in-love with you, no matter what happens I'm never gonna stop falling in-love with you...

Lakas maka ALDUB 😂

~Y

11.28.15

MAHAL

Sa isang laro ng tadhana, nakilala ka,

Tila isang regalo, ako ay nagtaka. 

Ngunit ang puso ay iyong pinasaya,

Bawat pintig nito'y tinatawag ka.

Isang buwan ng ligayang walang pagsidlan,

Ang mundo kong madilim ay muling nailawan. 

Ngiti sa mga labi hindi maiwasan,

Patawarin ako't minahal ka ng lubusan.

Mali at hindi tama, isip ko'y sumisigaw,

Sa bawat minuto, oras at araw. 

Puso may tunay, isip ko ay umaayaw,

Alam kong kasalanan ang hindi pagbitaw. 

Ngunit sabi mo wag ako mangamba,

Dahil sa kabila ng lahat, totoo ang pagsinta.

Sa layo ng agwat, ako'y di nagpaalintana,

Sinuong ang konsensya basta't maging masaya. 

Natapos ang isang buwan ng hindi inaasahan,

Ang aking mga palad agad mong binitawan,

Ang sakit na dinulot hindi makakalimutan,

Ang mga luha ang saksi ng kinahinatnan. 

Isang buwan ng saya, isang buwan ng pagdurusa,

Ngayon ay isa na namang buwan ngunit ako ay manhid na. 

Totoong ang puso ay tumitibok pa,

Minahal kang tunay, ngunit siguro ay tama na.

Lagi mong tandaan na ako'y masaya,

Kung saan mo mahahanap ang iyong ligaya.

Ako ay bibitaw dahil hindi na kaya,

Ang puso ko ay sadyang pagod na. 

Habangbuhay iisipin ka,

Dumating man ang panahon na ako'y matanda na. 

Mahal kita at yan ay hindi magbabago pa,

Saksi ang buwan na ikaw at ako'y minsang pinaglaruan ng tadhana.

~Y

11.27.15

Memoirs 1.6 PROMISES

Last month, October 26, 2015. I was here.... I was happily humming and my joy was just uncontainable. The full moon shone like all the light was for me.. For us. 

It was the eve of a special day.

Now... I'm here again. Exactly where I sat, with the same friend that I was with.. And the full moon slaps me with the pain of the memories of everything.

Tonight is again the eve of a special day. 

At least for me, it still is. 

If anyone asks me how I am at this very moment, i'd probably just bat an eyelash, flash a grim smile and breathe deep. I'm stronger now. He continuously stabs me over and over and over again.. I'm numb but still tender to the core. Why? I don't know. One day I decided that i've moved on, before I knew it, they slap me in the face with yet another reason to bleed. 

They keep opening my wounded heart, over and over and over. 

This time? It's a weak spot. Maria Clara--- the "ME" Maria Clara. Killing her was one thing that made a part of my heart die. But, reviving her into another person? I think my heart just died again. 

I try my very best to understand given the reasons he's laid. I'm hurt. Lahat na lang binawi saakin...

Lakambini was formed FOR ME, he said. Maria Clara was ME, he said. CJ loves me, he said. All that he said, I embraced with all of me. Only to be taken away from my grip with my tears. 

Dear heart,

What do I do? Stop na. Please? :'( One month has passed, the same amount of time when I fell in love without reservations. A month of wallowing into heartaches and tears is enough. Tama na... Mukha ka nang tanga. 

Kanta ka na lang...

"Don't speak, I know what you're thinking and I don't need your reasons.. Don't tell me CAUSE IT HURTS"

~Y

11.26.15

DIVERSION

So I finally started this semester's practice teaching. Was assigned at Bicol College Elementary School and good lord I was picked up for the grade 1 class! I was immediately drained. Haha.

In a way, I felt relieved and thankful that finally I have something to take my mind off "things". I will just enjoy the kids. 

Memoirs 1.5 WOULD YOU?

So I heard this song.. The writer came back. Haha. This just freaking fits

"If I got locked away and we lost it all today, tell me honestly would you still love me the same?"

He called. God knows how I tried to resist the heavy feeling of missing him. Yes, it's different now. It's never ever gonna be the same. 

I'm fine now. I'm okay with life and everything that's happened however complicated it had gotten. But I can't just shake him off. I just miss talking to him. Maybe I just miss his way of upping my mood, all the time. Is it possible? To continuously love someone without hopes of living the future days with him? I guess the answer is YES. 

If I loved you then, why wouldn't I love you now?

Hey you,

I love you. If it hurt me before, it's only because it's real. I love you... For always. 

But I need to know...

"If I show you my flaws, If I couldn't be strong, tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?"

~Y

11.21.15

BLOCKED

Haaay. Once again.. The writer in me flew to another dimension. 

Wala na kasi inspirasyon. 

Nga-nga. 

IMY

Weary girl. 

REACH

I'm still waiting for the day that you find this.. And you call me to say that you did and that you missed me so much. 

~dreams~

~Y

Mum and Me Day

Sometimes, it's just nice to have a day-off and just shop with my Mom on a Sunday afternoon...

Memoirs 1.4

What do I wish right now? That my fantasies help sustain the reality. 

A world where I can own him. A fantasy where his heart only beats for me. A place where I can freely continue that "whatever" that we had. It is in my head... In my heart. At least there, nobody can take us apart. 

Have I gone mad?

I have come to terms with acceptance. I have shrugged it off my shoulders, the reality that I am nobody to him. It's funny because I easily got my grip when the world shook before my feet the moment he let go. I was okay. 

I wasn't dwelling anymore. I was fine.

I was able to withstand the dramas and if I wasn't going to let fate influence my decisions, I wouldn't let some impulsive love connection online do it either. It was time to put my past where it belonged. In the past.

I'm moving on for myself. But it doesn't mean I don't miss him. I don't hate the guy. For all the right reasons, he's earned a special spot in my life. But then again.. You know the story. It's not all rainbows and butterflies for him and me.

So the fantasies are the only avenue for my heart's rehabilitation. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this alone. I am trying to be stronger. 

Uhh, hey Ysh?

Sing it off!

"Coz you've made me stronger by breaking my heart, you ended ny life and made a better one start. You've taught me everything from falling in-love to letting go of a lie. Yes you've made me stronger, BABY, by saying goodbye."

~Y

11.14.15

PARTING GIFT

For the girls.. 

A forever remembrance that one October day, the 15 of us was fated to become the Lakambinis. 

I will forever miss you. 

L-R bottom: Salome, Coleen, Tel, MC, Batchinatics, Jough

L-R middle: Joey, Mommy Rhee, Zel, Carmi, Phine, Cindy, Patrice

L-R top: Eve, Light

All my love,

Ysh

I WOULD HAVE STAYED UP WITH YOU ALL NIGHT...

POINT. BLANK

THIS BLOG WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 24 HOURS.

NEVER AGAIN TO BE FOUND. 

XoXo,

Ysh

THROWBACK

How I wish bata na lang ako.. So there'd be no heartaches, no dramas, no shits, no problems, and tears are only because of skinned knees and not hearts.

PS. I still miss you Boo, this was our last picture together. 

Memoirs 1.3 INVISIBLE

In my attempt to remember, I’d discovered why some things were convenient to forget. My head was throbbing. But it wasn’t just from lack of hydration, it was also from excessive emotional poking. And the question still remained: had I ruined the very little thread of hope that we have? In more ways than one? And had I shot him with my utmost honesty?

No. F-ing. Way.

Okay, maybe I was obsessing. A little. But it was keeping me from fixating on something I was desperately trying to forget. The evil unwanted exile that they've put me in. It could bite me over and over again and it always did. 

"Pull your head out of your ass and stand out."

Standing out was not a problem. Blending in was the new name of the game, and I was ready to play. I was more than ready but is it my fault if people still regard me as the old character that they loved so much? How can I not be MC? Of course I wanted them to see the real me, but they chose not to. HOW IS IT MY EFFIN FAULT?

Clearly, it was time to come to terms with the fact that what I wanted to happen and what was actually going to happen weren't the same. It felt like everything had changed. But nothing had changed. Except that I finally knew that he's always gonna be out of the door in a flash whenever I throw spite. Like what he did last night. AGAIN. It's as easy as a blink of an eye to UNFOLLOW me. There you go.

---And there's this girl who I couldn't think was capable of deliberately sabotaging whatever connection we still have. But her actions make me really think hard. As much as I wanted to hate on her, I couldn't. The bitch was decent. Maybe even sweet. And it really made me want to kill myself.

Someone once said that it's choice, not chance, that determines our destiny. My head made the choice to end things with him. But my heart...

...my heart was still waiting for the chance that my head might...reconsider.

Did I screw up my destiny? Or was my fate supposed to stink?

He thinks I do. They think I do. Even I think I do. 

I stink. 

Hey Ysh,

Stop thinking. Let yourself live in the moment. Be it a moment with him in it, or not since he fled again (eye roll). Everything will be easy. Everything will be as it was meant to be. Don't stop believing in fairy tales. Don't stop believing in Soulmates. 

~Y

11.12.15

Chasing You

If I lay here.. 

If I just lay here..

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Memoirs 1.2 HATE YA

People have been rocking my boat. But my expectations of complete recovery has blown over JUST. LIKE. THAT. I don't have all the answers. One thing has been for sure from the past weeks. With regard to how I feel? Nothing has changed. I assume that this was supposed to be the calm before the storm. Why was I even expecting a storm? I'm seriously racking up my brains right now. 

*REAL TIME*

I AM SOOOO HATING HIS TIMELINE!!! 😡

So what? Before I rig someone's neck right now I would rather watch a movie and doze off. Turning notifications OFF! Grr. 

I mean, the thing that I have been waiting for happened. It was bittersweet. It was satisfying. It was heartbreaking. But after the goodbyes, I was left smiling like a cheshire cat. Ugh.

What I needed was a push in the right direction. Because I was lost. Was I found? Yeaaaahhhh. 

I cannot focus on writing. Really. My thoughts are scattered. 

I HATE HIS TIMELINE!!!!!!!!!! 😡

Hey you,

NOT FUNNY. ME HATIN HERE. 

~Y

11.10.15

Maiyan's 22nd

Happy Birthday Marrianetot. Haha :) I sure had fun!

Memoirs 1.1 DEAR ME

"Did you forget? That I was even alive, did you regret? Everything we had inside.. Did you forget about me?"

Well well, years ago I was on this phase. I so thought that the girl that I once was, was gone. I was very wrong.. 

Timing is one of the judges of life. Destiny is fatal. I wanted to secure every single decision that I made just so I don't regret anything in the end. I so wanted to make everything right... just so I can say to myself that I made the right thing, and with no regrets I can continue with my life as it is right now.

But when Fate interferes, Timing and Destiny falls out.

I keep hoping for that special person who I consider still as mine, though we or I decided to stay low and part ways I still give a damn about him, but he opts not to care. Okay, I can deal with that, nor if I find out that he's spending time with someone new, I can totally understand.

I just wanted a pleasant closure (Why do I hate that word?)

So, CLOSURE. YES, I GOT IT. He made it seem so easy. Maybe it was really that easy and I was just procrastinating the thought that he will pull the end of the rope that's still tied onto me. But he cut it. So now I'm wandering. Really, how much shit can happen into your life before you even consider you had a truce with the sin-meter already? 

Maybe what really makes me tick is the fact that no one really gives a damn. I wanted to talk, nada. IT WASN'T REAL! I will be forever stuck here and he will be forever tied there! How serious can it get? I hate it that now I'm the one with collapsing, crashing and crumbling hopes which, I rebuild on a daily basis, only to let it slide into a rubble at the end of the day. If you don't get what I'm saying, let me slap it into your face:

I MISS YOU!!!!! You enormously stubborn pain in the ass!!!!! 

Shit happens.

Just like that, 2 memoirs in a row. Jusko. 

~Y

11.05.15

Memoirs 1.0

For a few days now, I was judged, I was left out, I was floating, I was... Drowning.

I couldn't blame him. He was honest. He was bold. My friend's perception of being bold? Sinner. So what the hell do you care? Yeah, I'm done. 

Everything that once was simple, is now complicated. Turns out, I needed to take at least 8 steps to recovery. 

1. Forget everything that happened (yeah, right)

2. Forget him (yeah, right again)

3. Forget missing him (facepalm)

4. Meet new people, and it means one person who listens to my nonsense blabbing because NO ONE ELSE DOES.  (deo deo deo)

5. Stop comparing him to the new people (kill me now)

6. Stop stalking (deactivate now?)

7. UNFOLLOW him (easy...)

8. UNLOVE him (... </3...)

NO BIG right? If only the reality is still separated from this wonderful fantasy that we onced lived. My 8 steps to recovery is easy peasy.. Psshh! I can definitely HEAL like what everyone is telling me to do. *rolling eyes*

If only.... "Bahala na si Batman"

Bahala na din ako..

DARNA!!!!

~Y

11.05.15

GO FOR IT

Memoirs 0.9

I am trying so hard to surpass this phase of emotional roller-coaster ride that I've involved myself into for the past month. 

I cannot thank my twitter friends enough for tirelessly comforting me despite the distance and time differences *shout out to you besh Carmi!* 

I am pretending. I know I say that I'm finally okay but deep in the dark corners of my heart, I hide the tears and the pain. 

I mean, realistically speaking. Nobody moves on in 5 days. 

God I miss him. So much. But I engage myself in different things just so I can forget how wonderful it is to think of him every hour of every day. I need to do this. I need to make this work. 

My tears are dried up and my heart is learning the art of letting go. Eventually everything will be brand new. Soon, I will be free again. 

But this crack, this piece in my broken heart that he took, will never be the same again. Along with it are memories of me and all the colors that I've emitted with him and for him. I know so, he will never ever forget my existence. He will forever miss me just like how I'm missing him right now, it hurts. 

Soon.

"Tuloy parin ang awit ng buhay ko, magbago man ang hugis ng puso mo.."

Goodnight, Ysh. You will be fine.

~Y

11.2.15