Ugh. Saturday

Yeah, Saturday. I shouldn't be sighing and umph-ing because it's rest day and finally, it's time to just lie lazily around and go bum. But when you're all alone in the apartment? Ugh! I am beyond bored. I'd rather faint and wake up Monday already. I don't like this!!!

~Y~

Promise.

I have a yearning that I've been keeping to myself for quite a while now. I don't understand why it burns in me, but somehow I feel a blazing desire to fulfill the yearning that my heart and mind is craving. I have never thought of anything like it in my whole life, I mean, that's exaggeration because yes I sometimes have, but not to the extent that I feel sore. My body longs for the existence of something warm and gentle, something that can make me whole.

Something. Someone that can make my life complete.

But I live with my virtues. Sometime in the past, I have battered myself and abused my soul to the deepest until I wasn't able to feel anymore. I had my fair share of mistakes, mistakes that I never want to commit again. But who am I to implement something when I know that I am but a weak human being? I can only hope.

Then again, apart from hoping, I wish. I wish with all my heart that someday or sooner, I will feel the soft and sweet breath of the person who can complete my existence in this world. That someday, I will touch the warm smoothness of him/her.

Soon enough, this overflowing love inside my heart, this love that has been swelling and thumping in my cradle will meet its owner.

One day, I will feel you in my arms love.

One day, I will give my all to have you.

Help me.

Help my yearning to meet you.

Find me.

Because I'll be waiting.

My baby.

My sweet, sweet child.

:)

Yes Y, it's V again.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! :)

There, there. You might think I'm overly enthusiastic about V-day, you might think I'm one of those people who gives about a bigger deal out of that ordinary day. Seemingly, for me that is, Valentine's day is just another manic date of the year where people get all dramatic and cheesy. Do I sound bitter? No, because I have been bitter, cheesy and corny too. I have been.

Now I promise this won't be all about my bitching and lashing ;) I have been reading my previous posts since I started this blog and my, my, why is it that I was always miserable and unfortunate not to mention panicky on the wretched day?

Did cupid deliberately put me into his blacklist? Or am I just too cool to celebrate the so-called "heart's day"?

2010 is not an exception. How convenient is it to break up with your boyfriend before February 14? I said I didn't mind the day, but then again. It stings like hell.

Oh well. :) At least I'll live.

The Impossible Dream

I must be dreaming.

I love just how about love makes me feel so in-love! :p

Now what?

Really...How much waiting for that one true love can someone tolerate?

IMAGINE.

IMAGINE. I was always a dreamer. I used to get lost in my own made-up world. I stare blank outside country lanes while inside a bus, imagining my dream house, the things I don’t have and what I so want to have. I think of my prince charming waiting for me on the most amazing places I can imagine. I believed that I was a princess and I can have anything and get to keep them forever. It kept me strong you know, it kept my hopes up, it heals me when I’m in pain, it satisfies me in all ways, it has always been my own secret garden. But it’s just all inside my mind.

I yearned for everything sugar and spice and just about everything nice. I was optimistic and I think of the world as a big bright colorful patch blanket. I used to see things with utmost enthusiasm that sometimes I can’t contain the hopes and the dreams that I carry around with me. I remember the days I spent with my best friends under a mango tree we called ours. We would climb and name each of the branches, one for each of us to sit and own. The river at the back of our house would serve as our pool and a heat quencher in the hottest days of summer, I would squeal whenever I see my playmates catch a fish or a shrimp, I would laugh till my lungs hurt on our story telling and gossip times and I would always be the mediator when two of them brawl with each other. I was so happy.

My eyes then, they reflected so many dreams and I would, if only I could…I would exchange this life for a rewind of the tape. But a person grow and leaves things behind, sometimes it just slips out of their minds like a bad dream. And now I know, after all the misery, the broken hearts, the disappointments…

Stupid girl, I should’ve known, I should have known…

“That I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale, I’m not the one you sweep off your feet, lead her up the stairwell, this isn’t Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you had let me down now it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around.”

But this princess has suffered the consequences and was drawn away from her dreamland. Now it’s all black and white. Now it’s all reality. And with all the distress, I have to face the truth that I FORGOT. I forgot to imagine, I forgot that I’ve always had that place inside of me where I can run to whenever I’m hurt. I know, I lost my secret garden.

“Until you lose the one you wanted coz you’ve taken it for granted and everything you had got destroyed…”

If only I could… like what Melinda of Ghost Whisperer got, “a second shot at your one true love”, but when I come to think of it, have I even met my one true love?

If only I could… like what Gossip Girl said,“the only way to get over someone is to get another someone”, but why does that logic never apply to me?

If only I could… like Shakespeare’s quote, “All’s well that ends well” but sometimes, sometimes it just ends.

I made up my own phrase, quote, line, passage, whatever you call it when I compiled my stories and poems into a book I guess five or six years ago. Funny coz I wrote “Life is a crystal in everyone’s palm, if you hold it tight it might break, but if you hold it loose, it might fall down”. Now I truly believe that some people “eat their own words”.

“You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re in then you’re out, you’re up and you’re down, you’re wrong when it’s right, it’s black and it’s white…”

See? IMAGINE my CONFUSION.

Escape and Fly

I want to travel!

You know what I really wish right now? To escape all this chaos and uncertainty in my life. I want to go to different places and just wander by myself. I want to go alone, without any companion to waste my time on attention. I just want to drive to the airport, close my eyes and point to a random location anywhere in this world! Haays, I want to unwind, to relax, to forget.

Hawaii!

I love hawaii! I want to go to hawaii! Ever since I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall (of course despite the fact that I love Kristen Bell), I suddenly wanted to feel the sands and the tropical scenes of hawaii. I wish! I wish! (see even my blog header is hawaii-ish..haha)

Europe!!

The number one in my list has always been Europe; Rome, London, Venice, Milan, Italy, etc. As a writer I've always had this connection with art and serenity. As a hopeless romantic I have long wished to step my foot in the wonderful places of Europe and just trace the brick steps all around the city. I'd sit around the plaza and take pictures of everybody and keep them in my scrapbooks. When oh when?

Washington

Call me fanatic but I want to go to Forks, Washington (The location from the movie Twilight). Not because I'm in search of my prince vamp but the small town has captured me, the moss green surroundings and the small cottage homes makes me nostalgic as I also was raised in a small barrio that never ceased to rain. I love rain. And I love the peace and quiet. :)

Sentimental Bitch

I wonder when---I'll be there on the places that I wanna go. EUROPE for a night.--I'd die.:)

More than words. This explains it all. I know right! :p

Mystery

I'm sick.

I can barely breathe and my temples are throbbing like crazy. I sneeze every 10 seconds and wtf my eyes are all red and teary.

Shit happens so I don't care, I'm still gonna blabber...

I really am not the same me anymore, If you see my Friendster account, you might find the About Me section very different from what I see myself right now. I've changed, and sorry for me but it wasn't for any better. I want to be isolated right now, I am not in-love with Love anymore, I don't care anymore. To hell with that.:(

But this is making me feel weird, I for once and from the very start never thought that this phase of my life would come, I never thought I'm capable of pushing my loving and ideally perfect perception of love aside. But what do you know, it's too late.

I am reading the book Twilight, you know, the movie which recently made fanatics suddenly drool over blood and vampires. Hahaha. But see, I'm not an avid trend-follower, I don't dwell over what's new. I make it and do it my own way. So now I've decided to read the book first before watching the movie, which if I may mention, was soo yesterday. Lols

Going back...

In a week's time I'll be stepping my foot again to my hometown, again I will breathe the air that has nursed me for 22 years, again I will be seeing the people I have toiled life with and bitched with, and only God knows if I'll ever be able to change this current state that I'm in right now. I doubt it, I'm determined to stay this way for a while. No man can ever make this heart breathe for the moment, I am stuck in my own world where no one can hurt me again. Am I in the healing process? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'm gonna be like this for good. But who the hell knows what's gonna happen...

"Love is gone and my heart is a bird,
that has lost direction mid-flight."- Laura Ramirez

Happy Birthday Ysh!

Is it normal to have birthday blues? Coz I'm so damn depressed right now. *sob*.. It's such a boring day, so ordinary. I miss my babe, I wish he can be here with me right now but I know as hell that it's impossible. All I have with me now are my cousins ( 7 and 9) and my god-daughter (1). I do not fancy big celebrations anymore, nor a table full of fancy dishes.. Right now, all I want are my friends. I'm 22. I feel so old. I feel so mature and I hate the feeling, I want to relieve the youthful moments I had when I was in High School. Yet I know, I have to continue. Yuck I'm such an emo. Whatevs. Happy Birthday Ysh-Ysh! Lose some lbs! Hahaha! I just hope something better will happen before MY day ends.. Toodles!

Shake me Up

Last week has been such a roller coaster ride. I was exhausted, I was anxious, I've felt so many emotions that I got so tired and felt like just sleeping for a whole week. Like now. I felt happiness when I saw Ichi's face when I gave him a gift, the watch he really wanted. It was heaven seeing his face light up and his expression like that of a little kid who finally had his dream toy. Then I felt sad when Shane, my friend's 6 year-old niece left for Singapore to be with her mom and live there for good, that kid is such a darling. I remember when she used to call me sweetly "Tita yzah what's that?", the way she says my name is so beautiful to my ears. I felt glad when my friend Nikka and I reunited one night over the pleasures of liquor and fries, yet it was a shame that she'll have to go back again to the big city to work. Then damn I felt tired, so tired. I guess because of the pressures that I know I have to go through because I'm gonna start work already this June. Of course with that thought, it means that I'm gonna miss a lot of people important to me and I'm gonna have to ready myself living alone and learn on how to manage everything else that goes with working independently. I need to relax, yep, that's what I'm gonna do this summer vacation. I tell you guys, I'm gonna be the laziest couch potato of all! hahaha..Lols.. Ciao!

After All

Valentines Day. When? Today? Really...Aaaarrgghhh! I can't believe this day, I really can't believe this freaking day! To start it off, I slept very uncomfortably last night due to consistent burning of my abdomen which was also because I got dehydrated the other day, then I woke up too early due to the loud crying of my little cousin because she was spilled with boiling water on her left hand. The weather wasn't that good too, it was raining and the temperature was ice cold enough to make me shiver, and so with cold weather my back ailment once again emerges to its glory (yeah, this day sucks for me, big time). I thought all of those were enough to set my mood but no, oh no no, it's yet to come, I open the computer and what do I get? No Internet Connection. "F". Then I hear someone calling my name, I look outside and see my boyfriend drenched in the cold rain, all wet and freezing all over. Recap-it's only 7:30A.M and I am so so pissed off. I motioned him to come inside the house and he shouts "Flat yung gulong ng kotse! Yung apat na gulong! May nag-trip!" (The car tires are down, all four of them! Somebody messed up with the car!). I freeze. I can't move, I tried absorbing the exact meaning of the words he just yelled. I feel my cheeks getting hotter by the second, I wanted to scream! What the h*ll is wrong with this day? Why us? Why would someone mess with other people's cars? Last night, Ichi was here and when he went home at around 11:00PM, he saw that the car was okay; he parked it in front of the Brgy. Hall because we thought it was "safer" knowing that there were Tanods (sort of guards) just nearby patrolling around the area, but what assistance do we get? Nothing, they didn't even notice the culprit when they were just 2 meters away from the car! And the car was beside a lamp post for heaven’s sake! Light scatters all over the parts of the car and they see no one, no one! God I hate stupid, irresponsible people. They just can't confess that all along their night shift, they do nothing but sleep! You see how we spent bloody Valentine's Day? On the rain, trying to figure out how we could possibly push those useless tires out, those FOUR useless tires out! I hate this day. I really really hate this day!!

I wanted to remain with the "I hate blank" mood. But after all the hard work, after how Ichi was soaked wet in the cold rain, after how he mixed sweat and rain on his face trying desperately to remove the damn tires, after how his newly sent allowance was instantly paid to the vulcanizing shop, after all the curses, after all... He handed me a rose, a simple rosebud with red ribbons. And with that I felt emptied of all the unlucky encounters we had today, just a single rose made it so light. He was saying sorry because he can't buy three roses but only one, and because all his plans for today was washed out with the rain, he looked at me and kissed me, and whispered "Happy Valentine's Day baby" and I could have cried. God I love him. This day proved that we'll always have this kind of problems in the future; that we'll have to expect encounters like that, but after the day has gone, after all, it'll gonna be him and me, and our love...our love. That’ll make us strong… as long as we’re together, even if we’re under the rain, all cold and wet…

ONLINE MADNESS

I am as of the moment feeling frustrated and annoyed. Why? because I can't play my favorite online game at home because I don't have the required "video card" and because someone here in this internet shop is just so annoying I can't help but frown all the time. Duh, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out that someone is badly annoyed to you right? So why does this b*tch not getting the message?! I guess she's just too stupid to notice my stares.. Uhh? okay, i'm losing the grip. I better get some air outside.. Later!