Post Secrets

{sigh}

Someone

I'm moving out.

No grudges or whatsoever, but I feel so blue. I feel so different. She has helped me in so many ways, she was there in my lowest hours, she provided things that I never asked for. BUT. If you feel that she's not herself when with you anymore, if you're starting to breathe in the coldness that emits in her. What do you do?

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not a lesbian talking about my live-in partner. She's a friend. My best friend, my sister in so many ways.

I am just so clueless as to why she's acting this way. I know that someone has been dictating things to her, someone so close to her heart that even our friendship is not enough to stand in between. I understand.

But why let things end this way?

I have been trying my very best to think rational and act wise.

I love her.

BUT sometimes, she has to know that I'm not JUST there for her errands and favors.

That I am her friend too.

"It gets tiring when you're always the one who gives comfort to other people, they don't understand that you need the same someone too."

When She Cries

Are we friends? Are we lovers?

Is it over now…

 

When your heart breaks in silence, you feel the stronger pain. A pain no physical injury can contest, a pain that strokes every vein of your body, a pain that no medicine can cure… but only your tears.

So I cried. I cried and cried, hoping the pain would subside, wishing with all my heart that I would come clean and full again. With the shooting temperature, with all the dizziness and shakiness as my fever embraced me whole, I risked my barriers. For the first time, I crumbled and let myself succumb.

In the romantic era, nineteenth century novels, and those old school plays and movies, the girl dies of heartbreak. LITERALLY. She just can't take it that the love of her life left her and hurt her. She gets grief-stricken that she submits in depression and sooner or later, a maid will find her all cold and dead, with tears spilled on her pillows. I wish I can just do that, but to oppress myself with suicidal attempts is a stupid idea, and idiotic too.

I read once in a book that those situations are what you call “conventions”. Those conventions are things that we accept wholeheartedly when they happen in books or movies even though they never happen in real life.

But when my supposed boyfriend started flicking through numbers of his exes again, it occurred to me that maybe dying of a broken heart might not be a convention at all. If anything can make death a truly desirable option, it is when the love of your life starts choosing his ex over you.

What am I thinking? Get over it and let it pass. How can I digest what my friends are advising me when all I can think of is “I'll never see him again”. It echoes through my being, it rips me apart. And again I cry, I cry so hard.

Can anyone tell me…

Why do I feel like I’m dead?

 

Give and Take

It takes a man and a woman...

One special moment, to know they're in heaven.

Why does it always have to be the woman to give? Why does it always have to be the man to take? Where's equality in this world? Where?

Now what?

Really...How much waiting for that one true love can someone tolerate?

Mystery

I'm sick.

I can barely breathe and my temples are throbbing like crazy. I sneeze every 10 seconds and wtf my eyes are all red and teary.

Shit happens so I don't care, I'm still gonna blabber...

I really am not the same me anymore, If you see my Friendster account, you might find the About Me section very different from what I see myself right now. I've changed, and sorry for me but it wasn't for any better. I want to be isolated right now, I am not in-love with Love anymore, I don't care anymore. To hell with that.:(

But this is making me feel weird, I for once and from the very start never thought that this phase of my life would come, I never thought I'm capable of pushing my loving and ideally perfect perception of love aside. But what do you know, it's too late.

I am reading the book Twilight, you know, the movie which recently made fanatics suddenly drool over blood and vampires. Hahaha. But see, I'm not an avid trend-follower, I don't dwell over what's new. I make it and do it my own way. So now I've decided to read the book first before watching the movie, which if I may mention, was soo yesterday. Lols

Going back...

In a week's time I'll be stepping my foot again to my hometown, again I will breathe the air that has nursed me for 22 years, again I will be seeing the people I have toiled life with and bitched with, and only God knows if I'll ever be able to change this current state that I'm in right now. I doubt it, I'm determined to stay this way for a while. No man can ever make this heart breathe for the moment, I am stuck in my own world where no one can hurt me again. Am I in the healing process? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'm gonna be like this for good. But who the hell knows what's gonna happen...

"Love is gone and my heart is a bird,
that has lost direction mid-flight."- Laura Ramirez

No One Else Comes Close

“You’re my dream come true, Boy you know I’ll always treasure every kiss, and every day, I’ll love you boy in every way…”

I am so deeply buried into the proverbial pit of limbo. I am alone, I am all by myself once again and yeah, the title of this post really does the overall ending. No ONE else comes close! No one even bothers to ask and give me the comfort that I desperately need.

You know I’ve always been true to how I feel towards you. I’ve been impulsive, I’ve been vulnerable, I’ve been open to everything you might give me, I never cared for the consequences… I just needed to be with you, and be happy.

But I am so hurting right now.

You said you’d keep me. You lied. “You lied to get into my pants, and it worked. Stupid bitch –me”

I wanted to be happy. But you deprived me of that when you slapped me with the reality you’ve been clinging on with all along. I wanted to love you, to take care of you. Now I can’t move on with these back thoughts hanging on my mind… You know I can be the one you’ve been looking for, but then, you looked at me beyond my qualifications. You saw just the imperfections.

Maybe it’s just my imagination.

I can’t stop thinking about you, but I have to forget you now. How? I wasn’t enough of a woman for you, I was just nothing, and I bet you can even associate ‘trash’ with my name now. Damn did I just make insult to myself?

You said you missed me, you missed Us.

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush. Funny I’m being so melodramatic here, I don’t care anymore, and I’m as transparent as anyone out there who’s hurting like me too.

I’m sick of playing all of these games. I’m fucking tired. Always happens every time. And now I’m doubting your “society status”. Fuck.

“It feels so crazy, coz I don’t know what I did to you. If you’re gonna hurt me, then do it quickly. Coz I’m tired to cry, if you don’t wanna stick around then baby forget about me…”

Who Can Tell Me Where I'm Buried? - I Think I'm Dead.

I so wanna believe in what you say,


When you tell me to trust you and everything's gonna be okay,


It hurts, I try to believe you,


But eventually in the end,



I don't.



Maybe it's destiny,


or maybe not.maybe it's God's plan for me to end up like this.





Life`s a bitch.





Hell yeah I say that a lot these days.



Lord please be with me,


Whisper in my ear what I have to believe...



I haven't felt so devastated for the longest, longest time..


I prayed for him to come,





and he did..





But why now does he have to leave and break my soul?



Maybe I was just pretending to believe after all.



I just want to cry.

I try to touch the horizon with the hopes of YOU and I living our lives together someday. I clung with my dreams together with this ring that you gave me as a symbol of our love.

But now..

You let me die...

When the feeling was gone, you could have told me sooner..

I could have lived.

Hurt Me More So I'll Die

I can die. I can't bear the hurt. Now I know how it feels like to be cheated by someone you truly love, on your face. Fuck them. I am hurt, I am so full of emotions that I'm about to burst. I was bullshitted by someone I never imagined would gain enough courage to hurt me so bad, I am so much in pain right now I can gulp a bottle of tequila and get dead sleep. I hate him. I fucking hate and despise him. I don't wanna see his face, I don't wanna hear his lying voice. I am so enraged, I don't care what anyone thinks of this post, I am just so pissed off by my so-called boyfriend-now-ex. I know I'm not a perfect girlfriend, neither ideal but WTF I don't deserve this! He doesn't deserve me, I deserve someone better, someone more mature, someone more understanding and someone not overly dramatic and most of all someone who's libido is on the neutral state! Fuck. I want to scream! I want to get so drunk and so drugged, I need anyone who can give me a good slap in the face! Why is this happening to me? I'm through with lying, insensitive, ruthless jerks in my life. I fucking hate this life. Tell me, how can I ever trust "love" again?

Father's Day Blues... Why oh Why

I share the same sentiments with the people who sent these postcards to Postsecret.com...

I can't help it...

It's just that... reality bites.

End.

ME-CRY BABY

I've just finished reading the novel Message In A Bottle by the wonderful author Nicholas Sparks. Yes I know it has been published way back, it even had the movie which starred Kevin Costner and Robin Wright Penn. You see guys, I love to read, since I was a little kid I was oriented to the world of literature courtesy of my mum and dad (we have a little library full of books of all kinds). But since nowadays, having a good book means having to spend quite a lot of money, thanks to modern technology I get to read ANY book that I want now, I have this application in my mobile phone called Mobipocket Reader, I download E-books from one trusted site and so you guessed, voila! I have them all stored in my cellphone! I read almost all those books that I've been eyeing at bookstores before, from Harry Potter 1-7, Shopaholic 1-5 by Sophie Kinsella (my favorite!), LOTR series, Chronicles of Narnia 1-7, John Grisham wonder books, Devil Wears Prada, and lots more! Now, I'm entwined with Nicholas Sparks and I can hardly express my awe and admiration to this man, Message in A Bottle made me cry! Really. I say you guys read it too. I am officially making it my all-time favorite book!

And so just a while ago, I was browsing PostSecrets and saw this entry, and it made me remember once again the story of Message in a Bottle. It resembles the idea, the thoughts, the passion, the love of one man who suffered enough and lost his heart.

And as for me, once again, whoever wrote this...it melt my heart.

I. The Island of Capri is where I fell in love with Sarah. I was a photographer, but the only thing I have to remember that weekend are 3 postcards. I couldn't stand the thought of missing one moment with her looking through a lens.

II. This is where I fell in love with Sarah. Wherever she is now, whoever she is with I pray that she is happy. Loving her saved my life.

III. These were the moments of my life. I loved her more than anything, but it was never meant to be. Through the anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts these moments reassured my life was worth living. I got better help because of her.

For the first time in my life since I was a child I know what it is to be happy.

Happy Birthday Ysh!

Is it normal to have birthday blues? Coz I'm so damn depressed right now. *sob*.. It's such a boring day, so ordinary. I miss my babe, I wish he can be here with me right now but I know as hell that it's impossible. All I have with me now are my cousins ( 7 and 9) and my god-daughter (1). I do not fancy big celebrations anymore, nor a table full of fancy dishes.. Right now, all I want are my friends. I'm 22. I feel so old. I feel so mature and I hate the feeling, I want to relieve the youthful moments I had when I was in High School. Yet I know, I have to continue. Yuck I'm such an emo. Whatevs. Happy Birthday Ysh-Ysh! Lose some lbs! Hahaha! I just hope something better will happen before MY day ends.. Toodles!

I Need Inspiration

"if you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
and we'll never find another
just realize what I just realized...."

Realize.
Some things can never be understood without the perfect words, the perfect emotions and the perfect explanation. But then, when I think about what happened to me these past few days, I almost die. I realized. I knew. I found the answer. At one point or another I was so sure that I can live blissfully without him, that I can easily shout out "next please!", I was pretty convinced that "falling out of love" is normal. Yes it is, but to me? It is unbearable. I realized that those simple matters of the heart can simply pull the living hell out of me, I was that vulnerable, I was that craving.

Doubts.
Yes it's true. I'm a jealous person. I tend to imagine things, most of them unimaginable already that it almost get my wits stand on end. I am, I know I am not so much of a dumb person not to know or guess that some things are boiling behind my back. I am mean, yep (surprise!). I am not selfish but for some exception I can be the last person you ever wanna see if you touch what's already printed with my name on. Like him. He's mine. Are you scared? (you know who you are...I'm gonna get you!)

Changes.
I want change. Lots of it. I am so tired, so exhausted of seeing, feeling, doing almost the same things everyday of my life..

"my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with..."

Bear with me here.

Feel.

"Oh baby I need you,
to see me the way I see you
lovely, wide awake
in the middle of my dreams..."

I always dream of the worst situations I never want to see ever. In it I see him blankly telling me to my face that he's off for someone (he thinks) better, and in my dreams, he hurts me so much, so much that even my unconscious sleeping body cant bear. I wake up with my pillow drenched in hot tears...

"I cried myself to sleep last night
when I woke up,
there we're tear stains on my pillow...
without you in my life
I will always feel lonely..."

Ordinary Thoughts

Post Secrets really can touch a nerve... well, in a nostalgic way..

Broken Friendships

I can honestly call myself a good friend, many may raise eyebrows but that's my only quality that I know I've proven quite a lot of times. My elders say that I'm so much blessed because from the start, I got friends whom I can trust and count on. My life revolved around my friends since I grew up alone, being an only child. I've had my fair share of experiences which every little girl deserves, I played with my friends for as long as I want, I had all the gizmo's and gadgets of a little girl pretending to be a princess, I've had the time of my life. Till teenage years, I enjoyed the company of true and trusted friends, we made a pact that until our hair turns grey we'll remain friends forever. That was the end of my fairytale world. I hate it when friends just come and go. I hate it when they just leave you all alone hanging in the air, I hate it when they choose new people in their lives over you. I know I sound selfish, but what can I do? I'm the type of person who gets so devoted in things, in people...in friends. I get so downhearted, so depressed when one of the people I consider family leaves me. Why am I like this? I hate it, I hate the feeling it gives me, I hate being so possessive of things and people that I know I can't own. But most especially, I hate how I get so hurt, by people who doesn't even care.

THAT INDIAN I HATE

I am raging with anger and annoyance over this Indian guy whom my friends and I met through another friend. He is such a pain in the ass! Pardon the word but I really really hate him! Well, for your advantage, here goes the story..

Two nights ago, my Tita Noemz, my cousin JR, my boyfriend Ichi, my girl friend Nikka and the birthday celebrant Jen were having such a great time drinking and having funny chit-chats at Jen's house. We were laughing our hearts out and totally enjoying the night until after two bottles of alcohol, we decided to continue the fun at Nikka's place. The fun and the endless laughter continued and before we could say stop, the bottles totalled to four. We were even amazed because we were not getting drunk! We then agreed to go home since Nikka will be sleeping the night over at our house, Jen went home already and I was assigned to buy more beer because the drinking spree is not over yet, whew..there we were, once again having hilarious stints and sudden outbursts of laughter when a friend of ours texted Nikka, it was Benj, our Highschool classmate and he was asking if he could come over with two other friends, who we don't know. My Tita agreed only if they bring and buy more beer. They did. I went outside to open the gates for them, I recognized Benj of course, he was with another guy (or gay?) that I'll name Curly and an Indian guy I'd rather call Feet. I instantly recognized him as an Indian because of his features and his 'carabao english', but he instantly made my blood boiling too! He was an arrogant, big-headed, proud, overconfident and smug pervert! He kept commanding and demanding, and it was me he always point at, like 'you put other beer in the fridge Miss' and 'i want Matrix, play it DVD Miss' and 'put volume up more loud'.. Urgggghhhh! I super hate him the instant I saw his face. He's not even good-looking if I may state that FACT. He thinks I'm a housemaid! After a few minutes, Ichi went home because he was so sleepy and it was already 1:30AM. I walked him to the gate, when I came back inside I didn't know that the Indian already invited my friends over to his place for more beer! I cannot barely contain my annoyance but I had no choice but to come with them since they wanted to and because if I stay, I'll still be the one to open the door for them when they get home (it means I'll get no sleep after all). When we arrived, he offered more and I say lots of beer, still it didn't rid my anger.They all talked and laughed and joked, I just stayed on my place, they were even persuading me to do the talking since I am the English major and the Indian can't speak English clearly. I ignored them. I was hating the Indian more and more. He was busy flirting with Nikka, yuck..! He even cried (literally) just because Nikka wouldn't go with him to 'walk' outside. Later on, he was saying that he likes Nikka and that we should sleep at their house! Hahaha..what an ***hole. We went home but he insisted that Nikka rides with him in his motorcycle, he was very 'kulit' (persistent) that we had to say yes but only if Benj rides with them too. When we got home, he texted Nikka that he miss her already! and worse, he was saying 'I love you'! Y-U-C-K...The next day, the text messages continued. I didn't care a bit. Night came and once again, the six of us had another drinking spree..haha! Speaking of heavy drinkers! Well then, the Indian texted and is inviting us again to his place, Nikka wouldn't go without us so we had Ichi's car fully loaded (with people, not with gas..ahahahaha!) and went there. That was when I really wanted to kick the ugly brute in the face! Know what he did? He totally ignored us.Period. Benj was the one who led us inside and the Indian was in front of his computer with another guy, he was busy messing with the computer and didn't even notice (or he pretended not to) us sitting there waiting. RECAP- it was he who invited us!. Five whole minutes passed, my Tita got annoyed and was fuming with anger over the treatment we got, which we didn't deserve. Ichi, JR and Jen went out and got in the car, all pissed off, Tita and I followed while Nikka and Benj were talking. the Indian still ignored us. I wanted to slap and punch him, he got the nerve to invite six people into his place and then ignore them as if they were invisible, I wanted to burn him alive! (excuse the violence). We all marched out of that place and poured our hatred at Jen's place..Then Benj texted us, he said that the indian told him that he was only expecting Nikka alone and that Nikka will sleep there..It made us all more fuming with anger! he even texted Nikka "what do you want? s*x or money?" That 'F' beast! Who wouldn't react like this? What does he think about us? Beggars? Bitches? POOR? Well d*mn him and I hope he goes to h*ll..If I see him again, I wonder to god what I might do..urrggghhh!!

MOOD

One Sad Poem

Gliding through my deepest thoughts,
I shuddered with tears.
My solitary haven ignites with fear,
It deepens my lonely home.

I forgot to know my own self,
Through the walls of sadness I dwelt.
No one rescued my falling soul,
I cried the ocean, no one cared.

I am alone, I am in deep.
I clung on hope but I failed myself
Feeling so cold, I wept with rain,
But no one cared, no one cared.

I’m mad about life and earth,
I’m crazy about torture and hate
Such fears tore my sanity
But who cared? No one…

Traveling my cheeks are salt & tears,
Kissing my lips are pale smiles,
They drowned my own,
They never cared.

I am alone, all alone.

BESTFRIEND BLUES

I've read this quote a while ago while looking for the perfect picture that can describe the supposed emotion for this post...

"A best friend is a sister that Destiny forgot to give you"

I wanted to cry. I wanted to wail. I wanted to shout my hurt out.

Just last week some silent force made its way to little by little break the many years my best friend and I had had with each other. The complicated issue I cannot explain online but how I was deeply hurt, maybe you could understand. All my life, I've clung to the principle of good friendship. I've been a good friend to almost everybody, especially my two best friends "honey" and "angel". I've dedicated half my life for them, I've experienced life itself with them, I've learned to love with them, I've done mistakes, so many mistakes with them. I loved them dearly. They were the sisters I never had..

But one day..

"Honey" met a man whom she said she loved so much... She ran away with him. She left us. She left me. No one could ever define the hurt I've experienced. I was never used to living life without her, she was my confidante, she was my source of strength. But she left me just like that. So "angel" and I tried living life again, but now it was just the two of us. I tried convincing myself that I can one day live life again not depending on them. But once again I began loving "angel" so much that I was again proud of being the best friend that I am. Never did I thought that soon she would suddenly drop me, ignore me...LEAVE me too.

You see, I was the best friend in the truest sense, I am not bragging. I loved them so much. I never asked for anything in return, I just wanted them to be at my side when I need them. But they never saw me beyond the friendship, they only saw me as the friend who was demanding of their attention and love. They never realized that I was being like that because they were my constant happiness and strength. It pierced every single piece of joy within me when they were gone. It seems I'll just be waiting, just waiting till they come back and see my worth. I just wish.

ABOUT TO BURST!!!

"Aaaaarrrggghhhh!!!"

Did it ever happen to you when you feel like screaming and kicking and hitting everything you get your hands on? The feeling of extreme anger, extreme frustration, extreme everything! I hate not being able to voice out just because I'm JUST the kid. I hate absorbing all the unfair things that are being accused to me because If I answer back, I'm going to be "BASTOS". D*mn! It's annoying to the nerves! I know some of you here who are reading this knows that feeling. It's when you had a shouting match with your mom and she accuses you of unfair things, she always reason out that ONE thing you've been wrong before. Its like everything you do is being based on that one fault. It's excruciatingly unfair!! And what can I do? Nothing! Nothing but keep and continuously absorb all the hatred, all the anger, all the heavy feelings. I just go to the corner and even if I don't want to, I can't help but let an unfaithful tear fall down. This has happened every time, and all through those "Lumayas ka na!", "Wala kang silbi!", "Bobo ka!", "Malandi ka!", "Wala kang galang!", "Sana di ka na nabuhay!"... All that I've kept inside my bag of hurt. And now I'm really fed up and about to burst. I hate it. I hate myself for feeling all this...I miss my bi. I wish we're together now, far far away from all of them...