Thank God it's Friday. NOT

Trick or Treat at Washington International School 2015

Sofia the First was the only choice since the announcement for the event was only sent out yesterday afternoon. Pssshh.. We wanted a Maleficent costume pa naman. 😒

I grudgingly dragged myself to Zya's school and at 7AM, I looked a lot more like a zombie than the scary costumes of the kids. I only had 2 hours or less of sleep. Worse, I cried myself to sleep last night. My eyes were puffy, swollen, sunken. My hair was wet and crazy all over. My aura was hellish. I was a walking disaster. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror! I couldn't even take a decent selfie because I JUST CAN'T SMILE. 

Damn heartaches. 

~Y

10.16.15

Remedy

'Cause it's you

Who fills the emptiness in me;

It changes ev'rything, you see,

When I know I've got you with me...

NOCTURNES

Once in the dream of a night I stood

Lone in the light of a magical wood,

Soul-deep in visions that poppy-like sprang;

And spirits of Truth were the birds that sang,

And spirits of Love were the stars that glowed,

And spirits of Peace were the streams that flowed

In that magical wood in the land of sleep." #Nocturnes

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Memoirs 0.4

"I like the way you wanted me, every night for so long baby.. I like the way you needed me, every time things got rocky.."

Aaahhh. Here we go...

I went out yesterday with my two best friends, the whole afternoon was as heavy as the rain clouds hovering above my head. My chest hurts in a way that I can't even put into words. My brain was in-denial. My heart was screaming. I am at the crossroads once again.

I feel a very familiar yet indifferent emotion. I know I have felt this countless times before, but then I know that I never got used to making myself immune to the after-effects. I have lunged myself into oblivion in a matter of weeks. To some fantasy land where I felt all the love in the world. I was delusional and ambitious, if one would put it into blatant words. But it was as real as any other love could be, at least for me.

Why? Just why am I writing this now? Are we concluded? Is it over? Are we done?

SHOULD I WAKE UP NOW?

But I don't want to. 

Jez said "Paano ka namin mabibigyan ng advice kung wala kang sinasabing pangalan, puro ka si ano, si ano. SINO? Sino ba yan na nang-iwan na naman sayo?"

I just shrugged.

Marriane said "If I can describe you in one word, you are compassionate, Ysh. You love too much, generously, without asking for anything in return but our/their presence. Kilala kita, you hate goodbyes, more so, sudden absence. Minsan mo na akong ginera dahil jan. Inom na, cheers beh!"

I listened. I let her words sink in while I sipped my 5th glass of bourbon. She hit the spot, right on. 

So that is why I'm like this, sneaking in the corner, lurking like a freaking piece of unwanted trash. 

THIS, my sore point, my weakness, was unintentionally shot by HIM when he, right then and there left out the door the moment I showed spite.

So, what now?

I can feel the icy trails slowly creeping inside my heart, again. I roll my eyes as I envision Elsa, from the movie frozen, as my friend Jenny once called me "the Ice Queen" 7 years ago. I think I may have posted it here.. Aahh, let me quote:

Sheesh, whatever happened to you Ysh? I feel like I can NEVER recall how to love again, I have people around me who blatantly slaps me in the face with their "i love you's" and all those cheesy, mushy stuff. But I just can't take it all like how the normal me would do. Gosh, have I become the Ice Queen?

Tell me Ysh, when will you melt?

Hey you,

I'd rather you be mean
Than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth
Than have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow
At least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

~Y

10.15.15

It Happens All The Time

CRAZY LOVE

Tonight I'm gonna break away
Just you wait and see
I'll never be imprisoned by
A faded memory

Just when I think I'm over him
This broken heart will mend
I hear his name and I have to cry
The tears come down again

It happens all the time
This crazy love of mine
Wraps around my heart
Refusin' to unwind
Ooh-hoo, crazy love
Ah ha

Count the stars in a summer sky
That fall without a sound
And then pretend that you can't hear
These teardrops comin' down

It happens all the time
This crazy love of mine
Wraps around my heart
Refusin' to unwind
Ooh-hoo, crazy love
Ah ha

Tonight I'm gonna break away
Just you wait and see
I'll never be imprisoned by
A faded memory

It happens all the time
This crazy love of mine
Wraps around my heart
Refusin' to unwind
Ooh-hoo, crazy love
Ah ha

Tonight I'm gonna break away

But I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love to see me through
So please believe me
My heart is in your hands
And I'll be missing you...

GAMES.

"Quit playing games with my heart,

With my heart,

I should have known from the start..."

Unfair. I stood in the shower a while ago, drunk as hell. It resonates in the walls.. It whispers in my ears.. It shouts in my veins..

My heart.. It pleads, "this is getting out of hand"

Why? Do I really deserve this? I have fenced my heart, heck, my soul and my whole being from THIS for so many years yet I end up on the wrong side of the road again. My heart laid on the open, ready to be crushed again by only god knows who. 

I'm sorry pero putang ina naman oh! Hindi naman ako deserving sa ganito eh.. Bakit ako? Ano bang kasalanan ko sa mundo? Hindi na to 'tang inang hormones eh. Hindi naman ako iyakin! Pero bakit ako pa kasi? 😭

Gusto ko lang naman maging masaya. 

... 

I JUST KNEW IT.

My First True Love

Today, I am going to tell you about my first true love. Who is your first love? Does he/she make you smile? Is it not a good feeling? :)

Being an only child, I have wondered all my life how it feels to be loved and surrounded by many people. Not that I lacked the attention and love from my parents, I actually was spoiled rotten by them. But to have a person that I can call mine is a totally different craving. 

Three years ago, I met my first true love. You may think that I'm overly exaggerating because there can only be a "first love" or a "true love" but I write here about my first true love. Maybe I was just so lucky and God must've known that I will really be happy. 

That moment when I saw that person's eyes, something inside of me stirred and awakened and suddenly I knew that life is worth living. That a happily ever after really do exist. 

"Her eyes, her eyes,

Make the stars look like they're not shining.

Her hair, her hair,

Falls perfectly without her trying.

She's so beautiful,

And I tell her everyday.

When I see your face,

There's not a thing that I would change,

Cause you're amazing,

Just the way you are.

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for a while,

Cause girl you're amazing,

Just the way you are.."

Yes, that person is a SHE. No other than my first-born, my daughter, my first true love :)