Just Another Entry

THAT THING THEY CALL “FALL OUT OF LOVE”

By Ysh: 10/15/08 -12:36AM

I’m again sitting here at the cold and sometimes freezing production floor of my work office. And as you may have guessed, I am searching every knick-knacks of my entire soul just to find that inspiration I so need when I start into writing pieces of junks like this. Well I do apologize if this may cause you any nose bleeding effect (haha, I would love to have that line for my customers). It’s “avail” now that’s why I had the time and opportunity to scribble this nonsense whatever. But since the title of this post gives out a little sense, I might as well continue the blabbering. (hehehe)

Okay that was easy for a prologue, what the… Hahaha!

I’ve been with someone for two years of my “beautifully” spiced up life and well I can say that he’s been too generous and loving to me, he’s given me every possible thing that may make the spoiled brat in me religiously happy. Hahaha! I myself am laughing at my own choice of words. Well going back, I’ve ventured into a relationship wherein anybody might be just jealous with how my partner nurtures and takes care of me. I’ve been a baby, a princess, a queen. I’ve known well enough every principle, every rule and regulation someone should master before entering in a relationship. I did. It just so happened I forgot the key ingredient: “contentment”. Damn.

I’m not into the very conducive mood of producing a very heart-warming article tonight because from time to time, I am being disturbed by my very demanding customers, duh (whatever customer, you’re such a loser!). See my point here? I am writing as if…well, nothing. Well my prologue did a little better though, it’s just that I can’t see anything or anyone here who can at least make me smile and give me the “inspiration” I need. Sob.

Okay, (sigh). I am falling out of love with my supposed boyfriend. There I said it. 

Now what do I do? Bummer… I can keep the emotion in my pandora’s box for as long as I want to but then the remnants remain scattered into my conscious dilemma. I feel guilty. Period. I don’t wanna make him feel like how I’m making him feel right now, but then why am I able to tolerate his hurting?

With all due respect everyone I can honestly, totally attest that no one, no other guy is involved on my part of the issue. I had this like a nightmare, I woke up with the realization that I have been dwelling myself on this unreal and superficial standing with regards to the matters of the heart. But it seemed so perfect, what we had was genuine, was true. I am the wrong end of the line, I can bow and stoop to the lowest ground if need arise that I ask for his understanding and forgiveness. Or I can wait till I finally realize that I’m being impulsive and melodramatic, that I just need the freedom and space that most women of my age and situation feel at one point in time and then we can be happy again… just like before. But then again, the thought only lingers.

Yeah that was deep. Lines go rushing like a torrent into my mind, and I just have to rush myself as well to get to them before they disappear. You see how a writer’s tight spot is? -Inspiration. Maybe that’s what I’m lacking as of the moment, maybe that’s the sole reason why I’m feeling so platonic over my “partner”. Or maybe it’s the distance, I’m here, he’s there. Or maybe the setback is him all along; maybe I’m not seeing the same person anymore. I’d have to admit, I can’t foresee myself living with him in that fairy tale land in the future anymore.

I won’t blame him if he one day expresses his rage and resentment to me. I will take the guilt. I did not however force myself to feel this dormant emotion. I have just wasted two years of happy memories of my life; I have dumped the possibility-slash-reality that I may have found my prince charming already. Damn.

I’ve just once again produced another blog-winning eyesore. Another drama, another stage-show, hahaha! You people have just again read an inkling of what’s happening to me now. I’ve been though hell of a lot, my emotional gauge has been reaching the highest point and then dropping flat low ground. Shit happens.

I can say that again. Shit happens!

Your Decency Sucks

Sometimes, it takes a huge bullshit for someone to realize that a person is not worth any consolation at all just because of the fuck, excuse me, fact that you are a naturally love-oriented person.

There are just some evil people disguised in an angel’s suit to deceive and pull the shit out of your sane life. Yeah you go trippin’ with people, you don’t think, you become impulsive only to find out that you’ve intentionally intertwined your already mixed-up life with someone who will just tie the knot tighter. You get me here?

There are people whose hobby or maybe whose principle in life is to leave other people hanging in the air with the hopes and dreams that they won’t ever, ever make happen. Poof! MAGIC! They just disappear and act as if nothing happened. They are called ASSHOLES.

I’m not writing this because of bitterness, that I will make clear, but because I want to release the angst that I feel towards people like those. Those who doesn’t have the decency to tell what you did wrong, or maybe you didn’t do anything wrong, maybe they are the mistakenly created ‘wrong’ people on earth. Maybe some will get the idea that I’m figuratively making ‘parinig’ to someone. Well, go figure.

But for people like me, who I don’t know the hell why always believes in Love and second chances, in forgetting and forgiving, in friendship. Damn it’s excruciating, it’s intoxicating to the nerves…to the heart. I’ve been poisoned and harmed as many times as most people were, but then I am easy. I move on, but over time it gets a little worse, I pity myself.

I do love myself, that’s why I am always ready to give love to others because I’ve learned to love my own self first. But whenever I do that, I don’t get something in return. Why?

I’ve met people along the way who have showed me the meaning of life, as it gets harder to deal with. But then again, I crave. I know I shouldn’t be a perfectionist, but I DESERVE to have the best.

So simply put, when I love a person… he is the best. My best.

Only they are so stupid to notice what I have to offer.

Life is a bitch right?

But I want to live life with optimism that there is indeed a “happily ever after”

So… guess I have to try once again.

Tag Tag

::START::

1. Add your blog/s to the list. Feel free to add all your other blogs. It’s okay if you only post these questions in one blog as long as you answer them.

2. Get back to ME and I’ll add your blogs to the master’s list HERE {Note that you are not ALLOWED to change this links and make sure to leave the exact URL.}

3. Copy from Start to End.

4. Tag as many friends online you know. But you don’t need to be tagged in order to join.

Who played along:1. Music of my Heart 2. Me and Mine 3. Creative in Me 4. For the LOVE of Food 5. Little Peanut 6. Pea in a Pod 7. It’s Where the HEART Is 8. Around the World 9. Quicker8 10. Eds Mommy Life 11. My Precious Niche 12. Just Me.. Eds 13. Princess Vien 14. In The Spirit of Dance 15. A Pocketful of Happiness 16. 1 Twelve St. 17. Shopaholic Ties the Knot 18. A Reality Bite 19. me, Myself and I 20. My So Called Life 21. Haven of Thoughts and Feelings 22. Pretty Sentiments 23. Ysh Writes A Book


Questions and Answers:

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4.

-Sorry, no book in sight..hehe

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?

-the wall

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

-Going Bulilit.haha

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time is it?

-10PM

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

-9:30PM

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

-T.V

7. When did you last step outside? what were you doing?

-I went to Tagaytay, now I'm home na

8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at?

-Sponsored reviews

9. What are you wearing?

-Shorts and a yellow shirt

10. Did you dream last night?

-I think so, can't remember.

11. When did you last laugh?

-like a minute ago

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

-paint, curtains, hehe

13. Seen anything weird lately?

-none

14. What do you think of this quiz?

-boring

15. What is the last movie you saw?

-My big love..hehe, just watched the dvd

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?

-Appliances and furnitures, or a house and lot

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know:

-you won't know..haha

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

-i'll distribute lands to poor people..

19. Do you like to dance?

-No, before yeah.

20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her

-I'll name her Yshi Ziana Xielene and if it's a boy Yuan Xandre

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?

-yeah

::END::

now tagging: everyone on my blogroll!!

No One Else Comes Close

“You’re my dream come true, Boy you know I’ll always treasure every kiss, and every day, I’ll love you boy in every way…”

I am so deeply buried into the proverbial pit of limbo. I am alone, I am all by myself once again and yeah, the title of this post really does the overall ending. No ONE else comes close! No one even bothers to ask and give me the comfort that I desperately need.

You know I’ve always been true to how I feel towards you. I’ve been impulsive, I’ve been vulnerable, I’ve been open to everything you might give me, I never cared for the consequences… I just needed to be with you, and be happy.

But I am so hurting right now.

You said you’d keep me. You lied. “You lied to get into my pants, and it worked. Stupid bitch –me”

I wanted to be happy. But you deprived me of that when you slapped me with the reality you’ve been clinging on with all along. I wanted to love you, to take care of you. Now I can’t move on with these back thoughts hanging on my mind… You know I can be the one you’ve been looking for, but then, you looked at me beyond my qualifications. You saw just the imperfections.

Maybe it’s just my imagination.

I can’t stop thinking about you, but I have to forget you now. How? I wasn’t enough of a woman for you, I was just nothing, and I bet you can even associate ‘trash’ with my name now. Damn did I just make insult to myself?

You said you missed me, you missed Us.

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush. Funny I’m being so melodramatic here, I don’t care anymore, and I’m as transparent as anyone out there who’s hurting like me too.

I’m sick of playing all of these games. I’m fucking tired. Always happens every time. And now I’m doubting your “society status”. Fuck.

“It feels so crazy, coz I don’t know what I did to you. If you’re gonna hurt me, then do it quickly. Coz I’m tired to cry, if you don’t wanna stick around then baby forget about me…”

Closure

I do not understand a bit why I have to undergo some emotional instability once again with nothing of an assurance to even guide me.

Wow that’s long.

I’m really confused right now. I do believe in the saying “Everything happens for a reason” but then, this time I do not have any inclination as to what should be the reason behind all of this confusion.

I feel like I’m once again stupefied by that person, and the very same thing happened years ago and shit it stucks to the head…to the heart. I am the person who is never used to rejection, simply because nobody ever did that to me…but him.

Though unsaid and left hanging, I am hurt. The closure was there, was given..but why does it make me more confused, more feeling rejected.

I should have never felt anything in the first place. I am loved by someone so true and so devoted to me, I am truly thankful for having him around. I will be with him no matter what..

I just don’t wanna be left hanging in the air again…thinking…this could go on forever you know, I need this to end, and now.

Damn I made a total nonsense to my readers again, sorry guys I just stare at the monitor and type every single sentence that runs through my mind.. Like now.

I’m outta here, hafto sleep.

Hope I get some answers soon, even through a dream.

*sigh*