Someone

I'm moving out.

No grudges or whatsoever, but I feel so blue. I feel so different. She has helped me in so many ways, she was there in my lowest hours, she provided things that I never asked for. BUT. If you feel that she's not herself when with you anymore, if you're starting to breathe in the coldness that emits in her. What do you do?

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not a lesbian talking about my live-in partner. She's a friend. My best friend, my sister in so many ways.

I am just so clueless as to why she's acting this way. I know that someone has been dictating things to her, someone so close to her heart that even our friendship is not enough to stand in between. I understand.

But why let things end this way?

I have been trying my very best to think rational and act wise.

I love her.

BUT sometimes, she has to know that I'm not JUST there for her errands and favors.

That I am her friend too.

"It gets tiring when you're always the one who gives comfort to other people, they don't understand that you need the same someone too."

When She Cries

Are we friends? Are we lovers?

Is it over now…

 

When your heart breaks in silence, you feel the stronger pain. A pain no physical injury can contest, a pain that strokes every vein of your body, a pain that no medicine can cure… but only your tears.

So I cried. I cried and cried, hoping the pain would subside, wishing with all my heart that I would come clean and full again. With the shooting temperature, with all the dizziness and shakiness as my fever embraced me whole, I risked my barriers. For the first time, I crumbled and let myself succumb.

In the romantic era, nineteenth century novels, and those old school plays and movies, the girl dies of heartbreak. LITERALLY. She just can't take it that the love of her life left her and hurt her. She gets grief-stricken that she submits in depression and sooner or later, a maid will find her all cold and dead, with tears spilled on her pillows. I wish I can just do that, but to oppress myself with suicidal attempts is a stupid idea, and idiotic too.

I read once in a book that those situations are what you call “conventions”. Those conventions are things that we accept wholeheartedly when they happen in books or movies even though they never happen in real life.

But when my supposed boyfriend started flicking through numbers of his exes again, it occurred to me that maybe dying of a broken heart might not be a convention at all. If anything can make death a truly desirable option, it is when the love of your life starts choosing his ex over you.

What am I thinking? Get over it and let it pass. How can I digest what my friends are advising me when all I can think of is “I'll never see him again”. It echoes through my being, it rips me apart. And again I cry, I cry so hard.

Can anyone tell me…

Why do I feel like I’m dead?

 

Escape and Fly

I want to travel!

You know what I really wish right now? To escape all this chaos and uncertainty in my life. I want to go to different places and just wander by myself. I want to go alone, without any companion to waste my time on attention. I just want to drive to the airport, close my eyes and point to a random location anywhere in this world! Haays, I want to unwind, to relax, to forget.

Hawaii!

I love hawaii! I want to go to hawaii! Ever since I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall (of course despite the fact that I love Kristen Bell), I suddenly wanted to feel the sands and the tropical scenes of hawaii. I wish! I wish! (see even my blog header is hawaii-ish..haha)

Europe!!

The number one in my list has always been Europe; Rome, London, Venice, Milan, Italy, etc. As a writer I've always had this connection with art and serenity. As a hopeless romantic I have long wished to step my foot in the wonderful places of Europe and just trace the brick steps all around the city. I'd sit around the plaza and take pictures of everybody and keep them in my scrapbooks. When oh when?

Washington

Call me fanatic but I want to go to Forks, Washington (The location from the movie Twilight). Not because I'm in search of my prince vamp but the small town has captured me, the moss green surroundings and the small cottage homes makes me nostalgic as I also was raised in a small barrio that never ceased to rain. I love rain. And I love the peace and quiet. :)

No One Else Comes Close

“You’re my dream come true, Boy you know I’ll always treasure every kiss, and every day, I’ll love you boy in every way…”

I am so deeply buried into the proverbial pit of limbo. I am alone, I am all by myself once again and yeah, the title of this post really does the overall ending. No ONE else comes close! No one even bothers to ask and give me the comfort that I desperately need.

You know I’ve always been true to how I feel towards you. I’ve been impulsive, I’ve been vulnerable, I’ve been open to everything you might give me, I never cared for the consequences… I just needed to be with you, and be happy.

But I am so hurting right now.

You said you’d keep me. You lied. “You lied to get into my pants, and it worked. Stupid bitch –me”

I wanted to be happy. But you deprived me of that when you slapped me with the reality you’ve been clinging on with all along. I wanted to love you, to take care of you. Now I can’t move on with these back thoughts hanging on my mind… You know I can be the one you’ve been looking for, but then, you looked at me beyond my qualifications. You saw just the imperfections.

Maybe it’s just my imagination.

I can’t stop thinking about you, but I have to forget you now. How? I wasn’t enough of a woman for you, I was just nothing, and I bet you can even associate ‘trash’ with my name now. Damn did I just make insult to myself?

You said you missed me, you missed Us.

One step at a time, there’s no need to rush. Funny I’m being so melodramatic here, I don’t care anymore, and I’m as transparent as anyone out there who’s hurting like me too.

I’m sick of playing all of these games. I’m fucking tired. Always happens every time. And now I’m doubting your “society status”. Fuck.

“It feels so crazy, coz I don’t know what I did to you. If you’re gonna hurt me, then do it quickly. Coz I’m tired to cry, if you don’t wanna stick around then baby forget about me…”

ME-CRY BABY

I've just finished reading the novel Message In A Bottle by the wonderful author Nicholas Sparks. Yes I know it has been published way back, it even had the movie which starred Kevin Costner and Robin Wright Penn. You see guys, I love to read, since I was a little kid I was oriented to the world of literature courtesy of my mum and dad (we have a little library full of books of all kinds). But since nowadays, having a good book means having to spend quite a lot of money, thanks to modern technology I get to read ANY book that I want now, I have this application in my mobile phone called Mobipocket Reader, I download E-books from one trusted site and so you guessed, voila! I have them all stored in my cellphone! I read almost all those books that I've been eyeing at bookstores before, from Harry Potter 1-7, Shopaholic 1-5 by Sophie Kinsella (my favorite!), LOTR series, Chronicles of Narnia 1-7, John Grisham wonder books, Devil Wears Prada, and lots more! Now, I'm entwined with Nicholas Sparks and I can hardly express my awe and admiration to this man, Message in A Bottle made me cry! Really. I say you guys read it too. I am officially making it my all-time favorite book!

And so just a while ago, I was browsing PostSecrets and saw this entry, and it made me remember once again the story of Message in a Bottle. It resembles the idea, the thoughts, the passion, the love of one man who suffered enough and lost his heart.

And as for me, once again, whoever wrote this...it melt my heart.

I. The Island of Capri is where I fell in love with Sarah. I was a photographer, but the only thing I have to remember that weekend are 3 postcards. I couldn't stand the thought of missing one moment with her looking through a lens.

II. This is where I fell in love with Sarah. Wherever she is now, whoever she is with I pray that she is happy. Loving her saved my life.

III. These were the moments of my life. I loved her more than anything, but it was never meant to be. Through the anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts these moments reassured my life was worth living. I got better help because of her.

For the first time in my life since I was a child I know what it is to be happy.

Something to Ponder About

"I'm having my cradle swayed by love...It's a wonderful feeling when you touch love with a smile and it smiles back..." -Ysh

I'm sick. I feel horrible, I have this dreadful dry cough and runny nose and I don't feel my mood getting any better too. I hate this.

I've changed. I'm being someone I used to be before, someone I don't want to surface again, but I am. It's not fair, it's not helping. I'm being tested by something I don't even know if I should consider, why?

I'm not me. What? I feel so surreal, this couldn't be happening. All of a sudden I feel isolated, I know somebody cares, I know someone loves me. I know who he is. But maybe I don't want the absence. I'm craving.

God help me. I want to stay on track, to continue the path you gave. I need to be on the safe side. "everything happens for a reason". Then what is it? I know nobody understands what I'm saying. Pardon me guys for getting confused. I'm just really confused.

I am.

Happy Birthday Ysh!

Is it normal to have birthday blues? Coz I'm so damn depressed right now. *sob*.. It's such a boring day, so ordinary. I miss my babe, I wish he can be here with me right now but I know as hell that it's impossible. All I have with me now are my cousins ( 7 and 9) and my god-daughter (1). I do not fancy big celebrations anymore, nor a table full of fancy dishes.. Right now, all I want are my friends. I'm 22. I feel so old. I feel so mature and I hate the feeling, I want to relieve the youthful moments I had when I was in High School. Yet I know, I have to continue. Yuck I'm such an emo. Whatevs. Happy Birthday Ysh-Ysh! Lose some lbs! Hahaha! I just hope something better will happen before MY day ends.. Toodles!

I Need Inspiration

"if you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
and we'll never find another
just realize what I just realized...."

Realize.
Some things can never be understood without the perfect words, the perfect emotions and the perfect explanation. But then, when I think about what happened to me these past few days, I almost die. I realized. I knew. I found the answer. At one point or another I was so sure that I can live blissfully without him, that I can easily shout out "next please!", I was pretty convinced that "falling out of love" is normal. Yes it is, but to me? It is unbearable. I realized that those simple matters of the heart can simply pull the living hell out of me, I was that vulnerable, I was that craving.

Doubts.
Yes it's true. I'm a jealous person. I tend to imagine things, most of them unimaginable already that it almost get my wits stand on end. I am, I know I am not so much of a dumb person not to know or guess that some things are boiling behind my back. I am mean, yep (surprise!). I am not selfish but for some exception I can be the last person you ever wanna see if you touch what's already printed with my name on. Like him. He's mine. Are you scared? (you know who you are...I'm gonna get you!)

Changes.
I want change. Lots of it. I am so tired, so exhausted of seeing, feeling, doing almost the same things everyday of my life..

"my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with..."

Bear with me here.

Feel.

"Oh baby I need you,
to see me the way I see you
lovely, wide awake
in the middle of my dreams..."

I always dream of the worst situations I never want to see ever. In it I see him blankly telling me to my face that he's off for someone (he thinks) better, and in my dreams, he hurts me so much, so much that even my unconscious sleeping body cant bear. I wake up with my pillow drenched in hot tears...

"I cried myself to sleep last night
when I woke up,
there we're tear stains on my pillow...
without you in my life
I will always feel lonely..."

Yeah I Know I'm Emo too..

February 7, 2008 - 10:55PM

A while ago, around 8:30PM, Ichi and I drove my mom to Daraga. She's going to Manila and then to Tarlac, Pampanga with her brother and cousins because her uncle just died the other day and despite of the miles, they rather attend to the funeral and see their beloved uncle for the last time. I kept teasing my mom because the last time she was in Manila was when I was still in third grade! She looks nervous, I can tell, she's worried about getting lost in the busy streets of the capital of the country, I said it’s okay and that I hope she doesn’t forget my “pasalubong” but I can see that she’s all swelled up with mixed emotions. Suddenly, I missed those busy and noisy streets, I longed for the dusty and well-heated sidewalks of Cubao, the wrought-iron gates of our 'compound' in Pasig, the classy and coño life in Makati, the wonderful and totally tempting night life in all over Metro Manila, and lastly, the huge shopping malls which I drool for. I missed the life I had there, I tend to forget the smell of the province, the view of the mountains and trees and the daily routine I have here. I transform into someone who fits so well with the ever so sassy, yet classy lifestyle of manileños. It's true, I long for everything in there, but deep in my mind, I never want to live my life in Manila. The chaos and traffic and noise and the complicated clockworks of people there can never be adopted by someone like me, yes I love the mania, but the piece of heaven I feel within the still cool winds in the province, I will never trade. You get me? Well never mind me, I'm just blabbering here and I miss my mom! Yes I said it, I already miss mom. Last night, we fought and had a shouting-match, but you see, what's best with my mom is she always gets back to the normal, loving and caring mom in the morning. That's why I'm missing her so much now. As I've said in my previous post, just having my mom's skin close to mine gives me the strength I constantly need. So now I feel vulnerable, scared, I just pray and please bear with my prayers, that my mom be safe always... and happy. Even without her baby girl beside her…

Gun Shots

My sentiments exactly. I am sooooo sooooo tired of everything right now, I can't start things right and can't end them in whatever way either. School is really killing me, not that I can't catch up with anything but on a different perspective, literally and figuratively, COLLEGE is KILLING ME! Hay, I can't wait to have my own job, my own pad, have my own source of income and have a little bit freedom. I can't wait to live life in a different light. I need CHANGE. Lots of it.

GOD HAS BETTER PLANS

God has better plans – I kept that phrase in my mind, always. I believed in the power of those words, I still do, though sometimes, I tend to reassess myself, and ask questions. I often wonder why I live a life full of fun, yet overflowing with pressure. I ask myself why I am confident, although it’s a good thing, but still I ask why I feel so proud about myself when all through my life, I never gained anything or anyone to be proud of. I am never a good daughter, that is for sure, and I can never be called a good student either. I think I’m good in handling relationships but that is all too wrong. See, I am never good at anything, except maybe by scribbling words like these. Well, maybe I am good at one thing besides writing, maybe I am a good friend. Just maybe. Most of the time I feel better about some things that I do, I can swish and swoosh my pen and make a poem in just a couple of minutes, I do very well in craft making, I enjoy cooking, I love babysitting, I adore puppies and kittens, I laugh my heart out when I’m with my friends, I become comical and entertaining to most people, I’ve been in-love with someone, I had my heart broken very well, One night, I cried a bucket of tears. But I’ve never ever in my whole life felt of how it is to be fulfilled with all my heart and be loved unconditionally except by my mom… With that reason, do you think maybe I can pass God’s “PRIORITY” list?

SOFTLY, GENTLY, I HAVE LET YOU DOWN

The weeks that passed I can never understand. Somehow through my ever confusing life I was brought up to face one of the most difficult I can say, situation. It was where a woman like me started being a girl once more and the girl in me suddenly became a woman. These emotions flew like tornadoes inside my already tormented head that I can barely cling to my own self. It's like when you are a little kitten and you're being bitten by your mom but in a very gentle way just as she can safely tuck you to a safer place, but instead you thought it was danger. It's more of when you are a leaf trying desperately so hard to stick to your branch but you suddenly turn brown and crippled that you have no choice but to let go..and drift with the air to a far far far away land. I cannot contain this agony. I cannot bear the hurtful load of guilt that I carry now. I cannot forgive myself for hurting my strength. I will never forgive myself for hurting my mom...='(