Touched

The Naked Truth

For over a year of being single, not to mention celibate, I have realized so many things about relationships and sex. Okay, so maybe embracing celibacy was an exaggeration, because every time I see a human male even tenuously attractive and over the age of twenty, I start to dribble and engage in a battle with my very own willpower. But, really I had sworn off dating men. Haha.

I needed to concentrate my energies on the F word. FOCUS.

Exactly one year ago, I broke ties with the man whom I fell in-love and sworn promises with. I had my own reasons and I may have mentioned it here before that “Falling out of Love” really does exist. For months I have pondered if I was only making it a reason just so I can start the ball rolling with other men, but then again, this day proves that I have not cheated, lied, neither disgraced the once genuine relationship that we had.

For women, the word “tired” is like a make-up essential always ready to grab inside the bag. Once in our very happy relationship with our partners, we get tired. Some for reasons like a hot anorexic third-party, a behavior so negatively un-appealing, or just pure indifferences. But some get tired for no reason at all. Some just gets that premonition of the future and it settles in the brain, it shouts in the heart that this man, this man whom you are so in-love with is not your destined Mr. Right.

It is unfair, some may say. But this wretched boy-meets-girl and vice-versa is a never-ending puzzle and will always be intriguing. That is why we still engage in the same situation over and over again, even if we already know what’s waiting for us in the end. Women love the idea of being in-love. That, my friends is a fact.

So now that I have overused my brain for a year of contemplating and just trying to figure out the rules of the heart, I got tired. And I am ready to plunge myself into the proverbial pit of limbo- AGAIN. I can just shrug my shoulders and shout “what the hell!” as long as I get the loving that I soo need right now. And there goes the exaggeration of embracing celibacy straight to the trash, thank you very much. :)

“She was the unsettled hen who always fell for the wrong cock” – The Naked Truth

No words required

I'm in-love with CAKES!

No dieting can ever disever my love for CAKES! :D

Read between the lines. hihihi

Girls Are Like Apples

I just get sooo marshmallow-y when I read blogposts about lovers who survives after stormy ordeals in their relationship (a.k.a Saulkrisna) My heart melts every time I get to read the pure sincerity and innocence of their so-called partnership. It got me thinking, at least they made it, they bravely rushed through the hardships and gave it a damn one more chance. I know I didn't, but that is all because I didn't have a courageous and brave enough boyfriend who will fight for me and woo me against all odds. That's sad you know, but what the hell- I am living. :)

So for you dear Saul (I really dunno what your real name is..sorry), I want you to always remember that She is worth fighting for, She is worth dying for, but most of all... She is worth living for. So be strong, and be patient all the time.

And for all of you guys out there... remember:

So be very brave. :)

I Need Inspiration

"if you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
and we'll never find another
just realize what I just realized...."

Realize.
Some things can never be understood without the perfect words, the perfect emotions and the perfect explanation. But then, when I think about what happened to me these past few days, I almost die. I realized. I knew. I found the answer. At one point or another I was so sure that I can live blissfully without him, that I can easily shout out "next please!", I was pretty convinced that "falling out of love" is normal. Yes it is, but to me? It is unbearable. I realized that those simple matters of the heart can simply pull the living hell out of me, I was that vulnerable, I was that craving.

Doubts.
Yes it's true. I'm a jealous person. I tend to imagine things, most of them unimaginable already that it almost get my wits stand on end. I am, I know I am not so much of a dumb person not to know or guess that some things are boiling behind my back. I am mean, yep (surprise!). I am not selfish but for some exception I can be the last person you ever wanna see if you touch what's already printed with my name on. Like him. He's mine. Are you scared? (you know who you are...I'm gonna get you!)

Changes.
I want change. Lots of it. I am so tired, so exhausted of seeing, feeling, doing almost the same things everyday of my life..

"my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with..."

Bear with me here.

Feel.

"Oh baby I need you,
to see me the way I see you
lovely, wide awake
in the middle of my dreams..."

I always dream of the worst situations I never want to see ever. In it I see him blankly telling me to my face that he's off for someone (he thinks) better, and in my dreams, he hurts me so much, so much that even my unconscious sleeping body cant bear. I wake up with my pillow drenched in hot tears...

"I cried myself to sleep last night
when I woke up,
there we're tear stains on my pillow...
without you in my life
I will always feel lonely..."

CARLALOO

Whew! My dad's car was bought at last. Guess who? It was Beejay, Ichi's bro. Much money ha..hehe. Well, it was a good thing though, because dad's gonna buy a new car again, and Beejay's car, before he bought dad's, a rust colored opel, was given (well not really) to Ichi. He left it here in Legazpi for Ichi to find a buyer and for the moment, for Ichi's use. Well, it was a good thing for Beejay to leave it here since it'll be a great help for us, for the daily transpo and all. Anyway, the best purpose the car would be to us is that tomorrow, we'll have a ride to the resort where we're planning to celebrate our first year anniversary! Yey! I'm so excited and grateful that all are going in the right places, we got enough budget, we got a camera, red wine, friends, and we got a car! haha! I just hope all goes fine tomorrow.. Love you mahal!

yey!

ONE YEAR AND GOING!

I can't believe tomorrow will be one year at last for Ichi and me. One year ago, we were hopelessly scurrying through the storm just to get home, meeting flying roofs and broken branches along the dark and holding on for dear life as we continued rushing through the strong gush of storm wind. We weren't boyfriend/girlfriends by then. But anyhow thanks to the heartless tricycle drivers who ignored us even if we'll pay them double just to get home fast and safe, a million thanks to the jeepney drivers too who just drove past us and never gave our pleading screams a second look. Because of them, we we're forced to walk all the way home through the raging storm, a half an hour walk and it was already dark. Imagine the look of horror on my face as we walked forward to a total darkness, never knowing what to encounter, never seeing where to go. Our only hope was the teeny tiny spot of light from his lighter, which of course made not a single help. I was crying all the way, feeling so helpless, feeling so scared, all wet, muddy and cold. But he held my hand so tight, he made me feel so secured, he hugged me as we rushed through the rain, hugged me again so tight when thunder and lightning struck. That very moment, he made me feel that I want to spend all days of my life with someone like him, with him. I still can't believe Typhoon Milenyo would be the beginning and bridge for us. Stormy as it was, I just think.. It was a very strong blessing from God, because finally, my my own time has come, my everything came, and it was him.=)

September 26, 2007

MANAGING A HEART

Okay, how do I start...Wow, again I've ventured into this job where I find many unanswerable and unending questions from the matters of the heart. Well I guess I'm used to it, but I can never be used to from the tiresome cycle of "love me-love me not" crap. 

I've read this book "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus"..It clearly states the differences of men from women and vice-versa. I found the author's theories true, for example, it can never be denied that when a woman is loving, extra-sweet, caring and intimate, the man can't contain himself from admiring. But when the woman begins to be the annoying, nagging, complaining one, the man tends to just give a frown and immediately goes out the door. The point is, men don't understand that women only needs the "lambing" and not the "i-don't-care" mode. Well, as much as my honey and I realize all those things, we can't really adopt the idea.Hence, we experience a lot of hassles and arguments. But I guess what makes us stronger is that very precious moment when after a day of struggles and quarrels and fights, there is that 10minutes or so where we finally just look at each other, not a word, smile, hug and snuggle. Done! I just love Love..

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

"Hung-over"... I can honestly attest that the word best describes me now. Last night was once again a one helluva series of unplanned chaos! My "supposed" boyfriend called me, and wow what a drunk caller.. I just hate it when he calls me and can't say anything but blabber and stutter and stammer!.. For some reason, things just splattered in my mind, things that I've been longing to say and do weeks ago.. I ended what we had, EVERYTHING. Last night I broke up with him.. But damn it's an excruciating thought... the after-play was worse than the actual breaking-up moment.. But i guess it was the most decent thing to do.. I can't be more unfair to someone who deserves to be loved, in the exact sense of the word.. i just can't give him back what he is giving me... the give-and-take relationship is never going 2 work between us...11pm, my brother and I went to a 24-hour diner..and afterwards... finally... had some drink. It was easing somehow.. but this morning, nothing can ease my defying mood but myself and this weblog..well, at least... right? -April 19, 2006