THAT STAGE.

Warning sirens blare all over me. This is gonna be FUN. What exactly follows a heartache again??? 

YEAH. 

BURN

"I Burn In Hell Loving You"

LIES. 

Nope. I'm not angry. I'm hurt.

I'm gonna be okay.

...

I hope. 

~Y

10.30.15

27

1 month. Wow.

I do not know who blabbed, but last night, he once again made me giddy all over when he greeted me first! Today is the mark of the first month since we met each other. Though virtually, but his coming into my life has changed me in ways I didn't even think possible. 

---saved as draft---

INSPIRATION CUT SHORT. 

Sorry. I can't. 

Memoirs 0.8

"Kahit sabihin na mali ako, alipin mo o bihag mo ako'y iyong iyo..."

Gusto ko sya. That I'm certain. If seems only yesterday when I was bawling my eyes out because of extreme sadness when he decided to stay out of the limelight, the only avenue where I can reach out to him, and he to me. 

So much has happened. In my entire existence, I have never ever thought that this kind of wonderful would happen to me. Not in my dreams.

He has the ideal mind and heart of what kind of ideal this heart of mine has been longing for. But yeah, distance and fate will always intervene. How ironic. 

But he gave me a gift. A wonderful and amazing gift.. He gave me new friends. He made my days lighter, he makes me burst with laughter, he makes my heart happier. He made it all possible :)

4 weeks. 4 WEEKS! 

Am I dreaming? This smile in my face could only prove that I'm not. 

Hey baby,

I'm hearing this now...

"Ikaw ang tunay na ligaya

Tanging ikaw, sinta
Umaga, hapon kahit magdamag
Laging ikaw, sinta

Hindi magsasawa, sa piling mo..."

I love you.

~Y

10.25.15

Memoirs 0.7

ARE WE GOOD?

"Mirror, mirror on the wall.. Tell me, am I okay?"

So, yeah I was looking at the mirror in my room a while ago, brows furrowed and in deep contemplation. Are we good? Are we okay? How am I? How is he?

There has been changes. I must admit, it was well thought-of, all credits to him. He says it's for me. Am I happy? Yes. 

The other night, I broke down again. It was a mix of exhaustion, lack of sleep, lack of love. I just miss him so much. Yes I do interact with him, all for the love of the people who loves and supports his reputation in the online world. 

I realized, at the end of the day, it's still the real him that I crave and miss. I still can say this, I AM IN-LOVE.

I cannot believe that it's almost a month already. Why does it feel so strange?

Maybe I really found my SOULMATE. 

Hey you,

I'll support everything that will make you happy. 

I'm just here. Always gonna be here.

Everyday I love you...

~Y

10.22.15

Memoirs 0.6

"Where could he be? Will I spend a lifetime searching endlessly, for that someone to hold and call my own, oh where could he be.. Heaven help him find his way to me..." -Donna Cruz

Absence. I'm getting used to it. Sometimes I hate it but now, I just give it a pout and go on with my life. Here. 

I'm certain that he's just gonna be another "passer" in my life. I guess he's just a lift on my chin when God thought that I needed one. Maybe he was planned to just stop-over and then, leave. 

But I'm not a stop-over. I'm a destination. 

Nasasanay na ako na wala ka. Baka kailangan ko na mag-ready talaga. 

Last week was a big blow. I crumbled and I melted and I was rooted to your shadow. I have no regrets. I love you. 

I'm still chasing pavements, your pavements. Sabi nga sa kanta.. "even if it leads nowhere.." But please, if you can't stop for me, at least make the path that I'm running on as smooth as possible. I don't think I need another rock to stumble down on. I'm gonna fall apart again, just like that, and I don't think I'll stand up the same way I did for you. 

Don't let that happen. Please. 

Hey you,

I miss you. I'm still stiff on your grip, only you can make me whole again. 

~Y

10.20.15

GIVE ME A BREAK

I tap my foot to the rhythm of Ed Sheeran's Gold Rush while I stand in the middle of the line with the students of Bicol College, routed to the cashier's window to pay. Finals week. Yey... Duh.

Outside the bars of the school's gate, I see the hustle and the bustle of the people. The pine trees lines up the street sway with the wind. I stare, and I stare, and I stare until stars appear on the corner of my eyes. Oh God, i'm still reeling. 

A tap on my shoulder brings me to earth. 

I see a freshman laughing in front of my face, saying something that I couldn't make up. I tug down one earphone and say "What?"

He looks taken aback. I feel aware of the heads slowly working on my direction, girls. Come on, get a grip. My eyebrows arch. He smiles once again and tilted his head to the left..

"Hi ate Ysh! Kumusta ka naman? Hehehe"

I eyed him. Studying his face. His chinky eyes, rimless eyeglasses, toothy grin, blue jansport backpack, ruffled hair. He looks like Hiro Nakamura of Heroes, really. But I'm not in the mood today, and I don't know his name. 

"GO" was the only word that came out of my mouth right-after. 

He scuttles away. Funny how everyone feels obligated to get my attention whenever they see me at school. Which is rarely, if I may say. The people around me are still staring though, what the hell. I give it a sigh, lean to the post nearest me, plug-in the earphones and put Sway on full volume. 

"Say you'll stay, don't come and go like you do"

I smile. How very fitting for Palits (as what Carmi suggested we call him). Hahaha!

Just like that, my mood changes. I recall our conversation last night. I should give it all up to him, really, the credit and appreciation. Even if he repeatedly makes my heart flop and swing all ways around possible, he's still so very charming. I hate it. No, (rolling eyes), I love it. 

Really, I've been transitioning. From the weeks that passed where I was very clingy and was very used to having him with me in just a click, to now where I cannot seem to connect and get through to him. He's a rare case of complicated. Whenever I try to move on and just give up, he comes rushing back and heaves me back closer to him as ever. I feel like there's this invisible rope that's somehow tied on to me and he's holding the other end. Oh dear. 

Black Magic.. What have you done to me?

Another tap. I spin around, my literary editor saying her assignments are done.

"Good job! Leave it all to my desk sa office, thanks bhe!"

Then came running our Dean, but then she caught a glimpse of me and dramatically halted, stepping backward to where I stood. 

"Ysh! Where have you been? Overtime na tayo next week ha! I need you everyday and night next week after finals. We'll release on the enrollment week!"

I smile widely and give her a quite exaggerated nod. 

"YES, MA'AM!"

Great. Just great. When will I get my rest, God? 

-aliella's halloween costume

-ate dette's headpiece

-julie's invitation

-julie's flowercrown

-julie's bday

-dad's bday

-legazpi fiesta

-publication presswork

-final editing

-printing press visit

-enrollment

-release

-nocturnes

-all souls and saints' day

-zya's bday

Yung totoo? May sembreak ba talaga?

Tsk. 

Gutom na ako :(

~Y

10.19.15

SAPAT NA.

Anong isusulat ko?

...

...

... Wala. Walang salitang gustong kumawala sa puso't isipan ko. Wala. 

Subalit...

Tapos na ang pagdaloy ng luha. Tapos na ang paninikip ng dibdib. Tapos na ang paglalaban ng puso at utak. 

Tapos na nga ba?

Pero... Bakit? Bakit umaasa ka parin?

Nalipasan na ng labis na hinagpis sa maya't mayang pagkawala. Napagod na ang puso sa mga damdamin na hindi kailanman mapapakawalan. 

Napagod... Ngunit patuloy kang umaasa... Isa ka bang tanga?

Ang matutong magmahal ang pinakamakabuluhan sa mundong ito. Ipagmamalaki ko habangbuhay na nagmahal ako... 

Minahal man o hindi, nagmahal ako. Yun lang, sapat na. 

Wala akong masabi. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako sa mundong binuo nating dalawa. Wala akong masabi...

Maghihintay ako? Maaaring oo, maaaring hindi. Wala akong makitang liwanag. Madilim ang tinatahak ng aking puso patungo sayo.. 

Pero, maramdaman lang ang pagmamahal mo, yun lang, sapat na. 

Patuloy kang hahanap-hanapin. Ikaw lang ang hinahanap ng puso ko. Lagi mo sanang iisipin, san man ako mapunta, san man ako dalhin ng tadhana... Minsan sa iyong makulay na buhay, minahal kita ng higit pa sa iyong akala. 

...

... Hindi magbabago. 

~Y

10.18.15

BRAVE

Say what you wanna say...

And let the words fall out...

Honestly...

I wanna see you be BRAVE. 💁🏻

50 Random Questions Tag

Where were you 3 hours ago?- SHOWER
Who are you in love with?- REALLY? YOU WHO MIGHT BE READING THIS
Have you ever eaten a crayon?- UHH, NOPE
Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?- YEP, MY IPAD
When is the last time you went to the mall?- 2 DAYS AGO
Are you wearing socks right now?- NOPE
Does your family have a car worth over $2,000?- YES
When was the last time you drove out of town?- I DROVE? UHH, 7 YEARS AGO
Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?- YES :)
Are you hot?- FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK, I HAVE FEVER RIGHT NOW, SO YEAH
What was the last thing you had to drink?- MULE LAST NIGHT, COFFEE NOW.
What are you wearing right now?- BROWN TOP, BLACK SHORTS
Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?- LET DAD DO IT :p
Last food that you ate?- CHEESY TUNA PASTA THAT I COOKED LAST NIGHT
Where were you last week at this time?- IN MY BED, ROLLING OVER THE FRESH SHEETS (I CHECKED MY PHONE'S PICS, LOL)
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?- YES
When is the last time you ran?- LAST WEEK, JOGGED AT LGP BOULEVARD
What's the last sporting event you watched?- LAST WEEK, GOVERNOR'S CUP
What is your favorite animal?- DOGS
Your dream vacation?- SANTORINI! PARIS! BAHAMAS! MALDIVES! HAWAII!
Last person's house you were in?- NEIGHBOR'S
Worst injury you've ever had? -NONE SO FAR, THANK GOD.
Have you been in love?- YES :)
Do you miss anyone right now?- YES! :(
Last play you saw?- BLOCK B, ANABEL LEE
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?- DOUBLE CHINS AND CHEESY GRINS :p
What are your plans for tonight?- NO IDEA, YET
Who is the last person you sent a FB/Twitter message or comment?- CJ
Next trip you are going to take?- MACAU on May
Ever go to camp?- Nope
Were you an honor roll student in school?- GRADE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL.. COLLEGE? NAH
What do you want to know about the future?- IF I'LL BE HAPPY :')
Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?- UCB Hot/Bench Capture/VS Seduction/Fantasy by Britney/D&G light blue
Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?- NOPE
Where is your best friend?- Grace is in Pampanga, Lala IDK, Miles in Ortigas, Marriane with boyfie, Jez IDK, Janica at training in cebupacific.
How is your best friend?- I THINK THEY'RE ALL GOOD
Do you have a tan?- NOPE
What are you listening to right now?- SEE YOU AGAIN by CHARLIE PUTH
Do you collect anything?- MAKEUP
Who is the biggest gossiper you know?- S & M
Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?- NOPE, GOOD GIRL HERE O:)
Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?- UHH, YES AT FASTFOOD RESTOS
What does your last text message say?- "ALA BEBE PASOK"- MAMI SHIE
Do you like hot sauce?-  YES!
Last time you took a shower?- AN HOUR AGO
Do you need to do laundry?- DONE :)
What is your heritage?- A BIT OF SPANISH, MOSTLY FILIPINO
Are you someone's best friend?- YESSUR!
Are you rich?- NOPE, MY PARENTS ARE.
What were you doing at 12AM last night?- OOHH, WAS SLEEPING ALREADY.

DIVERT-REVERT-FORGET

15 RANDOM QUESTIONS TAG!

The Questions:

#1. What's a nickname only your family calls you? AYZ, ICE/ICY, AYZA
#2. What's a weird habit of yours? I CRACK MY KNUCKLES
#3. Do you have any weird phobias? BATHOPHOBIA
#4. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you're alone? BITCH BY MEREDITH BROOKS
#5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves? PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME WAIT
#6. What's one of your nervous habits? LIP BITING
#7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? RIGHT SIDE
#8. What was your first stuffed animal & it's name? A BEAR WITH HEARTS, THUS, HEARTY.
#9. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at starbucks? CARAMEL FRAPPE
#10. What's the beauty rule you preach.. but never ACTUALLY practice? NEVER SLEEP WITH YOUR MAKEUP ON
#11. Which way do you face in the shower? BACK ON THE SHOWER
#12. Do you have any 'weird' body 'skills'? I CAN WIGGLE MY PINKY TOE, HAHA
#13. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 'bad' but you love to eat it anyways? CHIPS
#14. What's a phrase or exclamation you always say? I KNOW, RIGHT / WHATEVER
#15. Time to sleep- what are you ACTUALLY wearing? OVERSIZED SHIRT, UNDIES OF COURSE.

Memoirs 0.5 [TRUTH]

The truth hurts. Fact.

I feel dozens of emotions right now which, when totaled, submits myself into this blank space of state. I am reeling. 

I cannot, for the love of god, put into detail the turn of events. I never will enclose the truth of the matter, where my morals are once again put to the test. 

I never expected anything like this to go so far up to this point. I only wanna give love and happiness. Not pain or disappointments. 

I have just risen from the pit of heartache. What blows next is even bigger, yet my tears are dried up, my heart has calmed, my body and soul was drained of emotions that might have sufficed the drama of this new revelation. I never want to hurt anyone, my intention is not to cause pain. I just wanted to feel loved, be loved, and love in return. God, this is exhausting. If this is your way of telling me that my happy days with him is over, I would oblige. I'm waiting for the signs that I asked for. 

I'm tired. Just what am I supposed to do?

Hey you,

If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,

  And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,

     Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

       And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street..

So I'm not moving, I'm not moving.

~Y

10-16-15

Thank God it's Friday. NOT

Trick or Treat at Washington International School 2015

Sofia the First was the only choice since the announcement for the event was only sent out yesterday afternoon. Pssshh.. We wanted a Maleficent costume pa naman. 😒

I grudgingly dragged myself to Zya's school and at 7AM, I looked a lot more like a zombie than the scary costumes of the kids. I only had 2 hours or less of sleep. Worse, I cried myself to sleep last night. My eyes were puffy, swollen, sunken. My hair was wet and crazy all over. My aura was hellish. I was a walking disaster. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror! I couldn't even take a decent selfie because I JUST CAN'T SMILE. 

Damn heartaches. 

~Y

10.16.15

Remedy

'Cause it's you

Who fills the emptiness in me;

It changes ev'rything, you see,

When I know I've got you with me...

NOCTURNES

Once in the dream of a night I stood

Lone in the light of a magical wood,

Soul-deep in visions that poppy-like sprang;

And spirits of Truth were the birds that sang,

And spirits of Love were the stars that glowed,

And spirits of Peace were the streams that flowed

In that magical wood in the land of sleep." #Nocturnes

contact 09159767520 for inquiries

Memoirs 0.4

"I like the way you wanted me, every night for so long baby.. I like the way you needed me, every time things got rocky.."

Aaahhh. Here we go...

I went out yesterday with my two best friends, the whole afternoon was as heavy as the rain clouds hovering above my head. My chest hurts in a way that I can't even put into words. My brain was in-denial. My heart was screaming. I am at the crossroads once again.

I feel a very familiar yet indifferent emotion. I know I have felt this countless times before, but then I know that I never got used to making myself immune to the after-effects. I have lunged myself into oblivion in a matter of weeks. To some fantasy land where I felt all the love in the world. I was delusional and ambitious, if one would put it into blatant words. But it was as real as any other love could be, at least for me.

Why? Just why am I writing this now? Are we concluded? Is it over? Are we done?

SHOULD I WAKE UP NOW?

But I don't want to. 

Jez said "Paano ka namin mabibigyan ng advice kung wala kang sinasabing pangalan, puro ka si ano, si ano. SINO? Sino ba yan na nang-iwan na naman sayo?"

I just shrugged.

Marriane said "If I can describe you in one word, you are compassionate, Ysh. You love too much, generously, without asking for anything in return but our/their presence. Kilala kita, you hate goodbyes, more so, sudden absence. Minsan mo na akong ginera dahil jan. Inom na, cheers beh!"

I listened. I let her words sink in while I sipped my 5th glass of bourbon. She hit the spot, right on. 

So that is why I'm like this, sneaking in the corner, lurking like a freaking piece of unwanted trash. 

THIS, my sore point, my weakness, was unintentionally shot by HIM when he, right then and there left out the door the moment I showed spite.

So, what now?

I can feel the icy trails slowly creeping inside my heart, again. I roll my eyes as I envision Elsa, from the movie frozen, as my friend Jenny once called me "the Ice Queen" 7 years ago. I think I may have posted it here.. Aahh, let me quote:

Sheesh, whatever happened to you Ysh? I feel like I can NEVER recall how to love again, I have people around me who blatantly slaps me in the face with their "i love you's" and all those cheesy, mushy stuff. But I just can't take it all like how the normal me would do. Gosh, have I become the Ice Queen?

Tell me Ysh, when will you melt?

Hey you,

I'd rather you be mean
Than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth
Than have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow
At least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

~Y

10.15.15

It Happens All The Time

CRAZY LOVE

Tonight I'm gonna break away
Just you wait and see
I'll never be imprisoned by
A faded memory

Just when I think I'm over him
This broken heart will mend
I hear his name and I have to cry
The tears come down again

It happens all the time
This crazy love of mine
Wraps around my heart
Refusin' to unwind
Ooh-hoo, crazy love
Ah ha

Count the stars in a summer sky
That fall without a sound
And then pretend that you can't hear
These teardrops comin' down

It happens all the time
This crazy love of mine
Wraps around my heart
Refusin' to unwind
Ooh-hoo, crazy love
Ah ha

Tonight I'm gonna break away
Just you wait and see
I'll never be imprisoned by
A faded memory

It happens all the time
This crazy love of mine
Wraps around my heart
Refusin' to unwind
Ooh-hoo, crazy love
Ah ha

Tonight I'm gonna break away

But I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love to see me through
So please believe me
My heart is in your hands
And I'll be missing you...

GAMES.

"Quit playing games with my heart,

With my heart,

I should have known from the start..."

Unfair. I stood in the shower a while ago, drunk as hell. It resonates in the walls.. It whispers in my ears.. It shouts in my veins..

My heart.. It pleads, "this is getting out of hand"

Why? Do I really deserve this? I have fenced my heart, heck, my soul and my whole being from THIS for so many years yet I end up on the wrong side of the road again. My heart laid on the open, ready to be crushed again by only god knows who. 

I'm sorry pero putang ina naman oh! Hindi naman ako deserving sa ganito eh.. Bakit ako? Ano bang kasalanan ko sa mundo? Hindi na to 'tang inang hormones eh. Hindi naman ako iyakin! Pero bakit ako pa kasi? 😭

Gusto ko lang naman maging masaya. 

... 

I JUST KNEW IT.

My First True Love

Today, I am going to tell you about my first true love. Who is your first love? Does he/she make you smile? Is it not a good feeling? :)

Being an only child, I have wondered all my life how it feels to be loved and surrounded by many people. Not that I lacked the attention and love from my parents, I actually was spoiled rotten by them. But to have a person that I can call mine is a totally different craving. 

Three years ago, I met my first true love. You may think that I'm overly exaggerating because there can only be a "first love" or a "true love" but I write here about my first true love. Maybe I was just so lucky and God must've known that I will really be happy. 

That moment when I saw that person's eyes, something inside of me stirred and awakened and suddenly I knew that life is worth living. That a happily ever after really do exist. 

"Her eyes, her eyes,

Make the stars look like they're not shining.

Her hair, her hair,

Falls perfectly without her trying.

She's so beautiful,

And I tell her everyday.

When I see your face,

There's not a thing that I would change,

Cause you're amazing,

Just the way you are.

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for a while,

Cause girl you're amazing,

Just the way you are.."

Yes, that person is a SHE. No other than my first-born, my daughter, my first true love :)

Memoirs 0.3

"...you send me to another planet deep inside my brain.. I knew that when I met you I will never be the same... But I let you take me over boy so I'm the one to blame..." 

-Lose My Mind

Whew. Two weeks. Two weeks? TWO WEEKS! I have plunged myself into a deep, deep hole of irreversible emotional ride.

I have admittedly, impulsively, surrendered. What brought me here? Why did I even allow myself to fall in the first place? Amidst all the commotion inside my brain, I pray and I hope that this ride wouldn't end up in a wreckage. 

I know him. I think I do. I did what I have been forbidding myself to do. I stalked. 

I did it with a mindset, "I need to find out how happy he is and how wonderful his life is". Why? So that I could will myself to  walk away. I mean, come on, who am I kidding here but myself?

So, I got the answers that I was looking for. Two nights ago, my mind and heart was in a total row. This has got to stop before any serious damage happens. But then I got to thinking, this might be my own fairytale story, and I clearly know that fairytales aren't real. Maybe, just maybe, God was granting the thing that I've been praying for for a while, to feel loved again. 

But you don't get everything all at once. 

My heart flips and my chest shivers in an inexplicable way every time he's open with words, with his feelings. I just die. 

"When I think of love, I think of the happy kind of love, the kind that is the beginning of something beautiful – something that breathes life.

There is, however, another kind of love, a much darker and sadder kind of love. It’s the love one feels when one loves someone he or she can never and will never have."

It's like drowning but I don't fucking die.

Hey you,

You're sticking up with me for how much longer? Will you stay for another week? A month? Three months? *sigh*

No. Forget it. I don't wanna know. I miss you every hour of every day. 

~Y

10.12.15

BEACH'N

Subic Beach, Matnog, Sorsogon. 

Balik tayo please? 😫😩

SUNDAY

Sunday Morning. The sun blasts in my windows and I flip my head to the pillows thinking, why? I instantly remembered that my Aunt washed my light blocking curtains and replaced it with these pink lace ones. I hate it. 

I hate the morning sun. I look to my right and saw no one, my girl already went out without me noticing. Great. I check my phone, 9:39AM. I unconsciously scroll through my Twitter feed, check my Facebook notifications, read some emails, and saw that I missed a Facetime call from Nica beybeh. I shrugged. I wouldn't wanna be on a a video call with puffy eyes and crazy hair anyway, I'll just call her later.

I got out of my room only to see everyone sprawled on the living room, watching a movie. Really? This early? 

I ate lots of pancit that my mom cooked and gobbled two cups of coffee, yep, I am a coffee monster. Checked on my phone again, someone is on beastmode, hehe. So cute. 

This is a fairly boring Sunday. We assembled the Christmas tree while the kids are watching Tomorrowland, the 2nd movie. Seriously? Movie marathon on a Sunday morning? Pft. 

So I went back to my room and literally dived on the sea of pillows. These fresh sheets are really what sealed the deal. Jasmine and orange, hmmmmhh! :) Yes! I will be a prison today. I watched The Vampire Diaries again to feast my eyes on Stefan and Damon. This is the life. 

My dad tapped on my door 30mins later and asked me to cook the crabs that he brought from our vacation house in Sorsogon. Yumm!

Lunch. Chats. FT with beybeh. Bathed Zya. Chased the ice cream vendor on the streets outside. Played with Jana. Took a bath. Now planning to have a siesta with Zya. Church later. Maybe another movie later. 

Then I realize.. Just how insignificant is this post? Hahaha!

Toodles!

~Y

So, What Do We Call This?

Patay kang bata ka! 😅😅😅

Ysh Designs

Done with Aye's bday outfit :) Thanks for the trust ulit Manay FenEla 😘 

Goodnight Kisses

I want this pillow 😍

Beybeh!!!

I'll super duper miss you!!! :( Ang lungkot naman, I've been so used to having you around. To your unexpected late night visits, the unplanned sleepovers, the spontaneous foodtrips whenever we have cravings, the shopping sprees, the getaways, the nonstop chatter and just about how we try to decipher love and life's mysteries. I know that this new venture that you'll be facing is your ultimate dream, that is to become a flight attendant. I know that you can do it with flying colors, beybeh. I am so proud of you. I fixed your phone ha so there will be lots of Facetime and Skype for us. Training ka pa lang, OA na ako.. Haha! Malay mo, bigla na lang ako mag-aya ng lunch with you sa Manila :) You know how impulsive I am, wag ka masyado magpa-miss! Cheers to chasing our dreams and cheers to being pretty single creatures! haha.. I love you! Safe travel tomorrow, Nica beybeh :D

To Make Her Quiet

Whew. Currently downloading tons of movies for Zya. She's been a very hyper girl lately and I just can't bear the constant whining, shouting, crying, singing, dancing! Sumasakit lalo ang ulo kooooo. Imagine her jumping up and down on the bed, while circling around me who's lying down beside her! My goodness the perils of having a 3 year old. Hahaha! So for me to have some peace and quiet, here goes hours and hours of animated movies for you babydoll! 

Goodluck to both of us. Haha

MOMMY YSH

Memoirs 0.2

"Say you'll never go. Say you'll never go out my way."

This time, my pillows are drenched with hot tears. Just why am I crying over someone I don't even know? Someone I haven't even seen? Someone that I can never ever have?

There's magic in us. I do believe. How he has affected me in so many ways is enough to convince me that there is something magical that's working between us. 

It has been an exhausting day, emotionally. I have been flipping moods all day long and I was hating myself for being so insensitive and grumpy. One minute I'm the happiest, in a snap I'm that psycho bitch everyone'd love to hate.

I was always hesitant to reciprocate the "I love you's" that he's so generous of saying because I'm scared to make a fool out of myself. Deep in one corner of my brain, I know that this is all a game... "unang ma-fall, talo..."

Is it?

But the tears defy everything that I'm standing firm on. I just finished reading his "goodbye for now" letter to me and I am bawling here. Maybe it's the freaking hormones again. Maybe not.

I feel so hurt and my chest feels so heavy I think it's gonna explode any moment now.  He kept asking me to stay for him no matter what, pero ako pala ang iiwan sa ere. :'(

"never knew that it could mean so much... so much"

Maybe I just got so used to getting messages from him, maybe I just was clinging to the feeling that radiates within me when I'm talking to him. Maybe it was him who was saving me from breaking down, most especially now that I am really vulnerable.

Maybe that's the reason why I'm procrastinating.

There is no conclusion here. There is nothing to look forward to. I just want to live the moment, the days, the hours, the minutes with him. I just want to feel loved.

Hey you...

I think of you all the time. I'm scared.

~Y~

10.8.15

Memoirs 0.1

UNTITLED

“Maybe we’re friends, maybe we’re more, maybe it’s just my imagination…”

Jordin Sparks blasts into the nothingness of my room. I see nothing but a flicker of the night light. As I stare into the darkness, I flinched and I rolled and I hugged the nearest pillow and I grunted, “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FEELING?” 

Oh I have been in this sitch for so many times in the past. It’s a good feeling, I admit, to have a (shudder), crush, again after so many years of celebrating rigidness, grimness and dormancy. Yes I have succumbed into the proverbial pit of single-hood and I did not give a damn. Sleep ensues. 

Morning. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Didn’t have a dream, didn’t have a “good morning” nudge and kiss from my daughter. Yes I have a daughter, I am a single mom and I love it, I love her more than anything in the world. To settle and seal my current social status down is probably the biggest deal that I will ever have to decide onto my life in the coming years. I have a daughter and it would take a lot of nerve for a man to step into our lives. Well, not that I’m planning to find one for the next couple of years, I can only wish. Eye roll.

So I met this guy. A very interesting person. A smart one by the way (rare find!). You might have stumbled upon his Facebook page and read a few of his amusing yet brilliant write-ups about the bygone times and its relation to this chaotic world where we are in right now. You might have laughed so loud at his antics and ludicrous rebuttals to those who dare to challenge or question his undying love for the phenomenal loveteam, ALDUB. You might have blushed yourself upon reading his exchange of love and fondness with Maria Clara, or how he and the rather half-witted Quiroga banter and mock each other all day. His sense of leadership and undeniable intelligence is what really made me “stalk”. Not to mention his talent in creating remarkable photo edits too.

I was contented with reading his works. It was already a pleasure to be able to laugh or smile or grin on his twitter posts after a long and tiring day at school and at the office. I remember seeing a piece of this person through a picture of his hand, all entwined with IVs and hoses and plasters and it was not a very pleasant sight. He was admitted to the hospital, where in the world? I have no idea. I just couldn’t help but leave a comment, “get well soon!”Until the 27th of September, when I literally lost the ability to breathe properly after I saw a notification that HE FOLLOWED ME. I was all giddy like a girl and I just had to post a screenshot for the world to see. I was grinning all day, more when a message popped-up in my twitter inbox and guess who? :D

Here I’d say “and the rest is history”.

Very fitting because this man is in-love with history! LOL. Yes, I got to know him and anybody would be dead jealous over me, I know so. The way he relates himself to me, the way we just talk and talk and just how the words dance with us has made me wonder the purpose of our meeting. Honestly, I have pictured him in the worst of ways, I didn’t ever want to expect. I was not at all disappointed when I found out, rather, when he opened up about his age and status. Really, I have mastered the art of guarding the remains of my heart. I was okay. :)

I’m still wondering though, if everything that happens is for a reason, what pray is ours? 

For now, all I know is that I am happy with him around, err, virtually. He makes my day brighter and my vibes happier. My happiest pill is when I converse with smart people, they bring out the best in me. Words just spill like a piece of cake and I excel whenever I meet their kind. More like a human mana-reservoir, where I get replenished every time I talk to one. This one makes me smile all day long.

For whatever reason, I am scared. I know more about him than all the others but it makes me anxious, I feel like someone is bound to drip out the truth and I don’t want that, I’d hate that. I want his identity covered and leak-proofed more than ever. That way, we can continue to just be US with no complications butting through. 

Hey you. If you’re happy, I’m happy. But then again, a quote has been playing in my head all throughout the day. It goes like this.. 

“The hot ones are always gay, MARRIED, or murderers”.

 I’ll just obsess to my caramel frappe over that very devastating thought… or fact.

 ~Y~

10.6.15

BLOG TAG!! I MISSED THIS!

Here we go…

1. Are you named after anyone? Err, taskforce J.E.S.S.A, which I don't even know what meant.. Thanks, dad. :/

2. When was the last time you cried? Last night :'(

3. Do you have kids? Yes. 1 beautiful baby girl

4. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself? Yeah

5. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not all the time.

6. Will you ever bungee-jump? YES!!!

7. What’s your favorite cereal? Not a fan.

8. What’s the first thing you notice about people? Superficial. Most are

9. What is your eye colour? Brown.

10. Scary movie or happy endings? Both.

11. Favorite smells? Vanilla!

12. Summer or winter? Summer.

13. Computer or television? Computer.

14. What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home? Japan.

15. Do you have any special talents? hmmmm...

16. Where were you born? BRTTH. Legazpi City

17. What are your hobbies? surfing the net, writing, coffeeshops, movies

18. Do you have any pets? Yes. Jana dog :)

19. Favorite movie? 50 1st dates, A walk to remember, Blue lagoon

20. Do you have any siblings? haha, madaming secret spawns ang tatay ko!

21. What do you want to be when you grow up? A happy mom and housewife :)