"...you send me to another planet deep inside my brain.. I knew that when I met you I will never be the same... But I let you take me over boy so I'm the one to blame..."
-Lose My Mind
Whew. Two weeks. Two weeks? TWO WEEKS! I have plunged myself into a deep, deep hole of irreversible emotional ride.
I have admittedly, impulsively, surrendered. What brought me here? Why did I even allow myself to fall in the first place? Amidst all the commotion inside my brain, I pray and I hope that this ride wouldn't end up in a wreckage.
I know him. I think I do. I did what I have been forbidding myself to do. I stalked.
I did it with a mindset, "I need to find out how happy he is and how wonderful his life is". Why? So that I could will myself to walk away. I mean, come on, who am I kidding here but myself?
So, I got the answers that I was looking for. Two nights ago, my mind and heart was in a total row. This has got to stop before any serious damage happens. But then I got to thinking, this might be my own fairytale story, and I clearly know that fairytales aren't real. Maybe, just maybe, God was granting the thing that I've been praying for for a while, to feel loved again.
But you don't get everything all at once.
My heart flips and my chest shivers in an inexplicable way every time he's open with words, with his feelings. I just die.
"When I think of love, I think of the happy kind of love, the kind that is the beginning of something beautiful – something that breathes life.
There is, however, another kind of love, a much darker and sadder kind of love. It’s the love one feels when one loves someone he or she can never and will never have."
It's like drowning but I don't fucking die.
Hey you,
You're sticking up with me for how much longer? Will you stay for another week? A month? Three months? *sigh*
No. Forget it. I don't wanna know. I miss you every hour of every day.
~Y
10.12.15
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