Memoirs 0.2

"Say you'll never go. Say you'll never go out my way."

This time, my pillows are drenched with hot tears. Just why am I crying over someone I don't even know? Someone I haven't even seen? Someone that I can never ever have?

There's magic in us. I do believe. How he has affected me in so many ways is enough to convince me that there is something magical that's working between us. 

It has been an exhausting day, emotionally. I have been flipping moods all day long and I was hating myself for being so insensitive and grumpy. One minute I'm the happiest, in a snap I'm that psycho bitch everyone'd love to hate.

I was always hesitant to reciprocate the "I love you's" that he's so generous of saying because I'm scared to make a fool out of myself. Deep in one corner of my brain, I know that this is all a game... "unang ma-fall, talo..."

Is it?

But the tears defy everything that I'm standing firm on. I just finished reading his "goodbye for now" letter to me and I am bawling here. Maybe it's the freaking hormones again. Maybe not.

I feel so hurt and my chest feels so heavy I think it's gonna explode any moment now.  He kept asking me to stay for him no matter what, pero ako pala ang iiwan sa ere. :'(

"never knew that it could mean so much... so much"

Maybe I just got so used to getting messages from him, maybe I just was clinging to the feeling that radiates within me when I'm talking to him. Maybe it was him who was saving me from breaking down, most especially now that I am really vulnerable.

Maybe that's the reason why I'm procrastinating.

There is no conclusion here. There is nothing to look forward to. I just want to live the moment, the days, the hours, the minutes with him. I just want to feel loved.

Hey you...

I think of you all the time. I'm scared.

~Y~

10.8.15