Memoirs 0.4

"I like the way you wanted me, every night for so long baby.. I like the way you needed me, every time things got rocky.."

Aaahhh. Here we go...

I went out yesterday with my two best friends, the whole afternoon was as heavy as the rain clouds hovering above my head. My chest hurts in a way that I can't even put into words. My brain was in-denial. My heart was screaming. I am at the crossroads once again.

I feel a very familiar yet indifferent emotion. I know I have felt this countless times before, but then I know that I never got used to making myself immune to the after-effects. I have lunged myself into oblivion in a matter of weeks. To some fantasy land where I felt all the love in the world. I was delusional and ambitious, if one would put it into blatant words. But it was as real as any other love could be, at least for me.

Why? Just why am I writing this now? Are we concluded? Is it over? Are we done?

SHOULD I WAKE UP NOW?

But I don't want to. 

Jez said "Paano ka namin mabibigyan ng advice kung wala kang sinasabing pangalan, puro ka si ano, si ano. SINO? Sino ba yan na nang-iwan na naman sayo?"

I just shrugged.

Marriane said "If I can describe you in one word, you are compassionate, Ysh. You love too much, generously, without asking for anything in return but our/their presence. Kilala kita, you hate goodbyes, more so, sudden absence. Minsan mo na akong ginera dahil jan. Inom na, cheers beh!"

I listened. I let her words sink in while I sipped my 5th glass of bourbon. She hit the spot, right on. 

So that is why I'm like this, sneaking in the corner, lurking like a freaking piece of unwanted trash. 

THIS, my sore point, my weakness, was unintentionally shot by HIM when he, right then and there left out the door the moment I showed spite.

So, what now?

I can feel the icy trails slowly creeping inside my heart, again. I roll my eyes as I envision Elsa, from the movie frozen, as my friend Jenny once called me "the Ice Queen" 7 years ago. I think I may have posted it here.. Aahh, let me quote:

Sheesh, whatever happened to you Ysh? I feel like I can NEVER recall how to love again, I have people around me who blatantly slaps me in the face with their "i love you's" and all those cheesy, mushy stuff. But I just can't take it all like how the normal me would do. Gosh, have I become the Ice Queen?

Tell me Ysh, when will you melt?

Hey you,

I'd rather you be mean
Than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth
Than have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow
At least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

~Y

10.15.15