Memoirs 1.3 INVISIBLE

In my attempt to remember, I’d discovered why some things were convenient to forget. My head was throbbing. But it wasn’t just from lack of hydration, it was also from excessive emotional poking. And the question still remained: had I ruined the very little thread of hope that we have? In more ways than one? And had I shot him with my utmost honesty?

No. F-ing. Way.

Okay, maybe I was obsessing. A little. But it was keeping me from fixating on something I was desperately trying to forget. The evil unwanted exile that they've put me in. It could bite me over and over again and it always did. 

"Pull your head out of your ass and stand out."

Standing out was not a problem. Blending in was the new name of the game, and I was ready to play. I was more than ready but is it my fault if people still regard me as the old character that they loved so much? How can I not be MC? Of course I wanted them to see the real me, but they chose not to. HOW IS IT MY EFFIN FAULT?

Clearly, it was time to come to terms with the fact that what I wanted to happen and what was actually going to happen weren't the same. It felt like everything had changed. But nothing had changed. Except that I finally knew that he's always gonna be out of the door in a flash whenever I throw spite. Like what he did last night. AGAIN. It's as easy as a blink of an eye to UNFOLLOW me. There you go.

---And there's this girl who I couldn't think was capable of deliberately sabotaging whatever connection we still have. But her actions make me really think hard. As much as I wanted to hate on her, I couldn't. The bitch was decent. Maybe even sweet. And it really made me want to kill myself.

Someone once said that it's choice, not chance, that determines our destiny. My head made the choice to end things with him. But my heart...

...my heart was still waiting for the chance that my head might...reconsider.

Did I screw up my destiny? Or was my fate supposed to stink?

He thinks I do. They think I do. Even I think I do. 

I stink. 

Hey Ysh,

Stop thinking. Let yourself live in the moment. Be it a moment with him in it, or not since he fled again (eye roll). Everything will be easy. Everything will be as it was meant to be. Don't stop believing in fairy tales. Don't stop believing in Soulmates. 

~Y

11.12.15

Chasing You

If I lay here.. 

If I just lay here..

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Memoirs 1.2 HATE YA

People have been rocking my boat. But my expectations of complete recovery has blown over JUST. LIKE. THAT. I don't have all the answers. One thing has been for sure from the past weeks. With regard to how I feel? Nothing has changed. I assume that this was supposed to be the calm before the storm. Why was I even expecting a storm? I'm seriously racking up my brains right now. 

*REAL TIME*

I AM SOOOO HATING HIS TIMELINE!!! 😡

So what? Before I rig someone's neck right now I would rather watch a movie and doze off. Turning notifications OFF! Grr. 

I mean, the thing that I have been waiting for happened. It was bittersweet. It was satisfying. It was heartbreaking. But after the goodbyes, I was left smiling like a cheshire cat. Ugh.

What I needed was a push in the right direction. Because I was lost. Was I found? Yeaaaahhhh. 

I cannot focus on writing. Really. My thoughts are scattered. 

I HATE HIS TIMELINE!!!!!!!!!! 😡

Hey you,

NOT FUNNY. ME HATIN HERE. 

~Y

11.10.15

Maiyan's 22nd

Happy Birthday Marrianetot. Haha :) I sure had fun!

Memoirs 1.1 DEAR ME

"Did you forget? That I was even alive, did you regret? Everything we had inside.. Did you forget about me?"

Well well, years ago I was on this phase. I so thought that the girl that I once was, was gone. I was very wrong.. 

Timing is one of the judges of life. Destiny is fatal. I wanted to secure every single decision that I made just so I don't regret anything in the end. I so wanted to make everything right... just so I can say to myself that I made the right thing, and with no regrets I can continue with my life as it is right now.

But when Fate interferes, Timing and Destiny falls out.

I keep hoping for that special person who I consider still as mine, though we or I decided to stay low and part ways I still give a damn about him, but he opts not to care. Okay, I can deal with that, nor if I find out that he's spending time with someone new, I can totally understand.

I just wanted a pleasant closure (Why do I hate that word?)

So, CLOSURE. YES, I GOT IT. He made it seem so easy. Maybe it was really that easy and I was just procrastinating the thought that he will pull the end of the rope that's still tied onto me. But he cut it. So now I'm wandering. Really, how much shit can happen into your life before you even consider you had a truce with the sin-meter already? 

Maybe what really makes me tick is the fact that no one really gives a damn. I wanted to talk, nada. IT WASN'T REAL! I will be forever stuck here and he will be forever tied there! How serious can it get? I hate it that now I'm the one with collapsing, crashing and crumbling hopes which, I rebuild on a daily basis, only to let it slide into a rubble at the end of the day. If you don't get what I'm saying, let me slap it into your face:

I MISS YOU!!!!! You enormously stubborn pain in the ass!!!!! 

Shit happens.

Just like that, 2 memoirs in a row. Jusko. 

~Y

11.05.15

Memoirs 1.0

For a few days now, I was judged, I was left out, I was floating, I was... Drowning.

I couldn't blame him. He was honest. He was bold. My friend's perception of being bold? Sinner. So what the hell do you care? Yeah, I'm done. 

Everything that once was simple, is now complicated. Turns out, I needed to take at least 8 steps to recovery. 

1. Forget everything that happened (yeah, right)

2. Forget him (yeah, right again)

3. Forget missing him (facepalm)

4. Meet new people, and it means one person who listens to my nonsense blabbing because NO ONE ELSE DOES.  (deo deo deo)

5. Stop comparing him to the new people (kill me now)

6. Stop stalking (deactivate now?)

7. UNFOLLOW him (easy...)

8. UNLOVE him (... </3...)

NO BIG right? If only the reality is still separated from this wonderful fantasy that we onced lived. My 8 steps to recovery is easy peasy.. Psshh! I can definitely HEAL like what everyone is telling me to do. *rolling eyes*

If only.... "Bahala na si Batman"

Bahala na din ako..

DARNA!!!!

~Y

11.05.15

GO FOR IT

Memoirs 0.9

I am trying so hard to surpass this phase of emotional roller-coaster ride that I've involved myself into for the past month. 

I cannot thank my twitter friends enough for tirelessly comforting me despite the distance and time differences *shout out to you besh Carmi!* 

I am pretending. I know I say that I'm finally okay but deep in the dark corners of my heart, I hide the tears and the pain. 

I mean, realistically speaking. Nobody moves on in 5 days. 

God I miss him. So much. But I engage myself in different things just so I can forget how wonderful it is to think of him every hour of every day. I need to do this. I need to make this work. 

My tears are dried up and my heart is learning the art of letting go. Eventually everything will be brand new. Soon, I will be free again. 

But this crack, this piece in my broken heart that he took, will never be the same again. Along with it are memories of me and all the colors that I've emitted with him and for him. I know so, he will never ever forget my existence. He will forever miss me just like how I'm missing him right now, it hurts. 

Soon.

"Tuloy parin ang awit ng buhay ko, magbago man ang hugis ng puso mo.."

Goodnight, Ysh. You will be fine.

~Y

11.2.15

THAT STAGE.

Warning sirens blare all over me. This is gonna be FUN. What exactly follows a heartache again??? 

YEAH. 

BURN

"I Burn In Hell Loving You"

LIES. 

Nope. I'm not angry. I'm hurt.

I'm gonna be okay.

...

I hope. 

~Y

10.30.15