Memoirs 1.3 INVISIBLE

In my attempt to remember, I’d discovered why some things were convenient to forget. My head was throbbing. But it wasn’t just from lack of hydration, it was also from excessive emotional poking. And the question still remained: had I ruined the very little thread of hope that we have? In more ways than one? And had I shot him with my utmost honesty?

No. F-ing. Way.

Okay, maybe I was obsessing. A little. But it was keeping me from fixating on something I was desperately trying to forget. The evil unwanted exile that they've put me in. It could bite me over and over again and it always did. 

"Pull your head out of your ass and stand out."

Standing out was not a problem. Blending in was the new name of the game, and I was ready to play. I was more than ready but is it my fault if people still regard me as the old character that they loved so much? How can I not be MC? Of course I wanted them to see the real me, but they chose not to. HOW IS IT MY EFFIN FAULT?

Clearly, it was time to come to terms with the fact that what I wanted to happen and what was actually going to happen weren't the same. It felt like everything had changed. But nothing had changed. Except that I finally knew that he's always gonna be out of the door in a flash whenever I throw spite. Like what he did last night. AGAIN. It's as easy as a blink of an eye to UNFOLLOW me. There you go.

---And there's this girl who I couldn't think was capable of deliberately sabotaging whatever connection we still have. But her actions make me really think hard. As much as I wanted to hate on her, I couldn't. The bitch was decent. Maybe even sweet. And it really made me want to kill myself.

Someone once said that it's choice, not chance, that determines our destiny. My head made the choice to end things with him. But my heart...

...my heart was still waiting for the chance that my head might...reconsider.

Did I screw up my destiny? Or was my fate supposed to stink?

He thinks I do. They think I do. Even I think I do. 

I stink. 

Hey Ysh,

Stop thinking. Let yourself live in the moment. Be it a moment with him in it, or not since he fled again (eye roll). Everything will be easy. Everything will be as it was meant to be. Don't stop believing in fairy tales. Don't stop believing in Soulmates. 

~Y

11.12.15