Memoirs 2.1 THOUGHTS

"I thought everything would change,

I thought every feeling would fade away.

But you made every doubt dissolve,

I felt helpless, I wanted to stay."

So I met a guy. 

He was instanly special. He was spontaneous. He was everything I thought he should be. 

We walked. We talked. We laughed. We cried. He sang. I laughed. He acted. I laughed still. He became serious. I became quiet. He held me.... I burned. 

I call him Ton. He made me a very happy girl, one very random night. I am one of those people who hates waiting and it instantly ruins all the good in me whenever someone keeps me waiting for more than an hour. But just one hug from him made all the bones of my body cling to each other. Damn it. 

I have really thought of the worst ways possible of how he would reject and despise me. But we talked.. And we walked.. I didn't mind walking, he did. But he continued following me. Honestly, even I didn't know where we would go. Until we walked past the most beautiful "tunnel" (his words, not mine) and I was instantly mesmerized. I couldn't take my eyes off the thousands of lights above my head, and just the perfect moment happened when I turned my head around and there he was, walking towards me, smiling... In slow motion. Time seemed to have stopped. My heart stopped beating there for a minute. 

We talked some more. His chin was on his forearms as we look past the people in the park. I couldn't help but stare. I wanted so much to touch his face, to feel the contours of his jaw, to trace my fingers to his nose, to feel his hair... To feel his lips. I was memorizing his face and I guess... I did.

I thought so hard for all the decisions that I made that night. We've known each other for quite a while and really, we've been through a lot as friends. This is different. He is different. 

Now I don't really know what I feel. A jumble of thoughts run through my mind and I'm not myself. I feel happy, yes. I feel scared that he might think less of me because of what I had to do that night. Even I feel less of myself.

But I did it to make him happy. To compensate for something that I thought I couldn't do, but I did anyway. I wanted him to feel that I wanted that day to last a thousand happy memories for as long as forever, that's why I took all the risks, good or not. Because I know, that it is the last, and chances like that might never be given to us again. 

I just wanted him to be happy. 

~Y

12.15.15